I am just venting about my love

I love my Bf but gosh darn we have been arguing a lot lately . I think we are just too darn alike and we’re bumping heads because of it. Aquarius and Taurus are two of the most stubborn people you could ever meet and both signs like to have their way. Its soo funny when we argue and try to talk about one another because the things we point out in each other that we don’t like are the same behaviors that we both exhibit lol. I guess it is really true that things we don’t like in other people are our own defects. I always tell him he needs to look in the mirror. For instance he will tell me “You don’t listen. You always cut me off in the middle of my sentences. You don’t allow me to speak.” Which is true but he does it to. Sometimes when we are arguing about me cutting him off, he will go and cut me off while I am talking. What the hell? I am like why is it okay for you to do that. I do it more I admit. Its just he talks sooo much and its hard for me to not get in there and respond to some of the things that he says. I am impatient but he doesn’t give me time to respond. If I just let him go on and on and on and on and on I will forget about half the things he said at the start of the conversation. I feel like if I don’t interject that I’ll never get a change to respond to it. Now how do you get around that?

And either he has a bad memory or I have a bad memory. My memory is pretty darn good so of course its him. It annoys the hell out of me when he will try and tell me things that I said that I know I did not say or even when I tell him I said such and such he will tell me I didn’t say it. Smart mouth will say something like “Oh man I must have been sleep”. I can strangle him when he does this I swear. This is by far the worst pet peeve of mine that he does because its like he might as well say I am delusional. And I can never bring up the past with him and call him out on something he said because he never remembers saying it. He will say “I said that? Oh man. I am not saying I didn’t but I don’t remember it.” Well thats the end of the conversation. How can we discuss something that you don’t remember saying.

He re-writes history in his mind. He will say something and when I try to bring it back up later in the conversation when not even 2 minutes has gone by to try and make a point he’ll switch what he said around to have it mean something different than what he actually did say. So I have to go back back back back to the beginning of that conversation and basically re-discuss it until he realizes that he did in fact say what I said he did in the fist place. By then I am too exhausted to go back to where we left off in the conversation. By then, I have wasted all my time and efforts on something he forgot he said. Why must we got thru this all of the time? lol We are considering tape recording ALL OF OUR CONVERSATIONS. It is just that serious!

I wonder if marijauna does really cause short term memory loss?

He is defensive and doesn’t like to be told anything. I have this character flaw as well tho. I told you we are the same person almost. Before I tell an example, I hate to wash dishes. Eww! Hate it with a passion so we try to wash them after we use them but usually one of us will get lazy and put a dish there which causes the other person to get lazy and add their dish to that one and so and so on until we looking at a sink full of dishes. I had just cleaned the whole house and we was about to go upstairs but before he did he went and put a dish in the sink. OMG!! I heard the little “ting”. You know the sound of dishes hitting the sink. So I just said “Babe can you wash that please.” He says “You didn’t even give me a chance i was going to get it.” I swore when I came up in there he was walking away from the sink but still I probably should have just said “Ok” but instead I say ” You know if I had not said anything you would not have washed it.” He admitted that he wasn’t gonna wash it. Ok.

We argued about juice the other day. Juice? He bought two different kinds of Capri Suns and I guess he was keeping track of how many of one kind I drunk more than the other so he ask me something about not drinking all of one kind. He could not understand how I upset I got at that. I am like it’s petty thats why. I have brought soo many things up into this house that I have only gotten one bite out of and you darn near ate the whole thing but I never make a big deal out of it. I never trip over food and I am usually the one that buys the groceries???? I hardly ever ask him to put in on it. I don’t care about that. So ok I drunk a couple of more fruit punches than pink lemonades why is that a big deal? I tried to make him see it my way by saying “what if I didn’t like pink lemonade? And You didn’t tell me the limit I could have on each one if you did I would not be upset.” Plus, I feel if he loves me he shouldn’t care if I drunk the whole damn box, in my eyes. You or I can go take 3 dollars and go buy another one. It’s not that serious.

When I made groceries the other day we bought too more boxes from H-E-B who had it on sale for a dollar. Good price on that by the way! You know I had to get him because he damn near drunk one box by himself. Last night I go to get one and the box was empty so I made a comment about it. He’s like “yea WE drunk those pretty fast.” WE?? Yea umm one of us more than the other. I was like but I am not tripping over it and he was like yea and I won’t no more either and gave me a kiss. Thats all I was trying to get him to see.

His driving causes more arguments. It is another sensitive topic. He thinks he is the best driver in the world but has gotten more traffic tickets in the last 6 months than most people have gotten in their life. Which is one of the reasons why we are strapped for cash right now. When I am in the car it is hard for me not to comment but when I do that causes the biggest argument ever. I am cautious soo sorry if I see you about to run over somebody I am going to point it out.

The stuff we argue about is mostly petty tho. I think we need to get out more but money has been tight so we just stuck in the house and I guess taking it out on each other. I say he changed he was not like this before and he says I changed too and I say I changed because you changed.

Yesterday, I felt soo unhappy. There was nothing he could do to bring me out of it. I was just soo mentally drained and exhausted from the last few days of arguing that I just wanted to call it quits for real. He kept saying things like we can work on it, it’s gonna get better, but it’s like my mind would not let me receive what he was saying until he had all his shit packed and was about to leave. Thats when I snapped and was like damn this is real and am I really ready to give up on us. I know I am wrong for that but I was being stubborn and I knew deep down I didn’t really want to end it. I was just frustrated. I should have spoke up before I let it get to that point but I didn’t. What can I say?

I love my snookums. Things between us was soo beautiful 1 and 1/2 years ago ….He say we can get it back like that. I am going to work on me because I know there are some things I can change.

I wish you could buy patience sometimes.

My Life My Life My Life My Life

It has been awhile since I have truly been this happy. I am letting my guard down more and more each day but still not all the way down because thats when things start fuccing up right? I really love this man and I used to always say darn everyone getting blessed being happy when is it my turn to be happy. I know I have been blessed being able to have a job from 4 years, not going hungry, having a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I am happy for that. All this not having no one to depend on but THE MAN up above. I have never had to ask my family for jack. My baby is like stop being soo damn independent (even tho thats what he says he loves about me). Its hard sometimes to let go and just BE A WOMAN. I have been the man and the woman in the relationship for soo long I forget I got someone that takes care of business and does it VERY WELL.

But HE really blessed me when he removed someone from my life that meant no good for me not only that but replaced him with someone that is devoted to pleasing me and I do the same for him. Thats my heart right there. Everyone in bad relationships that feel like they don’t have the strength to let it go should keep praying to God about the situation because I know what its like to feel like you are “STUCK” in a bad situation. I have been there and I know what it feels like and its not a good feeling to just takes someones bullshiit disrespecting you and not appreciating you when you really don’t have to take that so why do we become soo complacent. Do what you do and find someone that appreciates you for you and all that jazz. Why do you and get stepped on by an ungrateful mutherfuccer. I fear sometimes getting “STUCK” again but with my honey he is soo respectful and patient with me I really feel there is nothing to fear. Plus Id like to think I am little bit stronger this time but Love makes me weak. We get along great enjoy each others company have fun with one another and we both know how to be a big kid and then get serious. I would do anything for that man.

In other news my job is making yet another change. Aint that a biitch. This company lays off people more than a little bit. It has decided all of a sudden it doesn’t need its sales dept so has decided to do away with it so they are going to FIRE the sales dept and let them get re-hired again at get this 9.00 an hour WTH. Instead of doing sales they are going to be doing what I do which is mainly customer service. Ain’t that something. Aren’t I glad that I transferred from sales to customer service so I would not have to deal wit that bs. This company I swear. One of my best friends has been with the company for 5 years and she is going to be reduced to 9.00 an hour and she will lose her seniority and this girl has 4 kids. That is not funny. So they offered them a severance package instead if they don’t want to do that and will give them she said 1000 for each year that she has been there. Hummmm…..ok? But she says she is just soo fed up with the company and all of the changes that they keep doing that she is going to just take the 5 grand and look for something else. Can’t say that I blame her. If I was put in that position that is hard and scary to make a change but hey I have been with the company for 4 years and I know I deserve way more that 9.00 dollars and hour for all that I put up with. Hell I should be making more that I am making at this moment but a year ago they decided they wanted to take a dollar away from everyone

With every change this company makes I just take it like a soldier or a little bitch whichever way you see it and roll with the punches. I have seen soo many ppl get fired from the company over some of the most silliest stuff and I have survived, but I be damn if I allow them to play with my money again just because The company decides they want to lower their starting pay rate to 9.00 an hour and is trying there damndest to figure out away to pay their loyal employees who have been there for years what they pay their new hires. Get outta here. That is ass backwards. I have been with the company for 4 years . I got all that time invested and you gonna play me like that. I feel this is not over they definitely got something more up their sleeve. Like maybe lowering my dept to 9.00 dollars an hour. I . THINK. NOT. I am not going to worry about it. I have been thru it all and will still come out on top and my girl got something better that God has for her to do to .

Happy Easter!

Well I am hoping everyone had a great Easter holiday. Me and BJ got out and went to Dave n Buster’s. We desperately needed to get out and just get away from it all to clear our heads and play games and get back to enjoying each other. Now having said that, before I get to what happened at Dave n Busters, I am going to tell you that me n BJ haven’t been getting along soo well lately *gasp* . Yes, this is true. This perfect relationship – perfect communication- my knight in shining armour-man out of romance novel-man I put on a pedestal- oh I finally found a man that “gets me”- oh he is soo patient with me-oh he makes me want to become a betta person- yea him well he is just regular ole BJ now.

Now please don’t get me wrong he is still a great guy, but in case you didn’t know , I am going to tell you -“I am kind of a big deal” ( I want that shirt lol). Yea, I am a lot to handle and I can tell he is slowly running out of patience with me. Props to him for lasting soo long. My ex lasted almost 7 years but I had met my match in him so we just learned how to put up with each other shit for far too long. Men fall in love with me quickly because I got it going on *toot toot* I am pretty, I am a big girl but I wear it well, I keep myself up (meaning like hair, makeup, and clothes not exercise-wise lol), I have a nice smile, I am kindhearted, I am laid-back (as long as things are going my way), I am a great cook, I am independent chick, I got my own house, keeps it clean, ok job, no kids, know how to cater to my man, know how to stroke an ego, oh my wonderful qualities are endless.

Now as the relationship progresses, than thats when they began to see my bad qualities. Not that I was hiding those bad qualities or anything. Hell its hard for me to hide them. Them other people (in my head) just come out on their own. I try soo hard to fight it but I am an emotional person so I just react..I mean overreact lol. Gotta laugh at yourself right? I am soo honest to where I am sometimes too blunt. I told BJ from the jump how I was. He told me that I could not be any worse than what his ex was. I said “O.K.” .Altho Easter Sunday he ended up telling me I was acting like his ex *sighs*. And yes I am honest with myself I can point out my bad qualities to you. I am stubborn, I can be selfish because I like to have my way but only about some things–it’s complicated because I like to let him have his way too because I am a people pleaser. I don’t know I guess only when I want my way thats when it become a problem. I am spoiled but this kinda cancels itself out because I like to spoil him too, I am an attention grabber (unlike other spoiled folks I don’t want your attention I just want the attention of the ones that I love), I overreact, I over analyze things, I am critical, I haven’t mastered the art of “letting stuff go”, I bring shit back up, I fight over small shit that pisses me off, oh my bad qualities are endless. So while he may wanna leave its hard because he knows that I am a really good person and frankly when its good its good but when its not good well it can get real ugly.

Seriously now I can’t change myself completely and I wouldn’t want to but I am trying to work on the OVERREACTING and the LETTING SMALL STUFF GO. I think if I work those 2 out we’ll be fine. It’s gonna be hard. BJ is not innocent. He needs to work on the ALWAYS WANTING TO BE RIGHT and GOING BACK TO BEING PATIENT WITH ME (ya know before I wore his patient button out) and BEING ATTENTIVE TO ME WHILE HE IS AT WORK (now this is where he says I am demanding but hell he works all day he needs to text me more) and SEXXING ME MORE (he be “tired”)

It’s funny after writing all of that I don’t even feel like writing about what happened at Dave n Busters lol.

We got to Dave n Busters (my treat). We ate, had a drank, and then thats pretty much where the fun stopped. Bj was gonna go to the restroom before we started in on the games so I was waiting for him and then I decided I wanted to go to the restroom while he was already in the restroom. When I got out, I expected him to be waiting on me but he wasn’t he was already playing. So I just was like ok whatever I played some games and then I went over to him and we had some words and then he walked out and went to the truck and I went to the truck and we argued some more and then he took off and I tried to jump out of the truck while it was moving and he drove faster (punk) but he had to come to a light so I jumped out of the truck and took off walking. Never a dull moment. He had to keep driving because he was on the feeder and ended up parking somewhere and walking over to where he left me. We argued some more about nothing. I walked away and ended up stepping one of sandled feet into a hole in the ground that pulled off my shoe and broke off a chunk of skin on my foot that started bleeding (I know that punk was thinking thats what she get for acting like a b.i.t.c.h.). Bj tried to hand me my shoe to put back on and I told him to leave my shoe alone and he looked at the shoe and said “this is my shoe girl” (oh yea thats right it was). So then I took off the other one and refused to put back on “his shoes” even tho he insisted. So finally he convinced me to get back into the truck. Really I was just upset that I fucked up the day. We wasted money and we tried to let our problems go and enjoy ourselves but couldn’t. I felt like an even bigger ass when he was telling me he had got soo caught up playing this jackpot game, which is how he ran out of money soo fast, that gives you a lot of tickets so he could have gotten something nice for me with the tickets. AWWWW. He was like if he was playing for himself he would have just been playing arcade games.

And that was our Easter. We almost broke up on Easter. He started talking some crap about he tired of everyday same thing ……arguing. At first, I was being all hard like ok yea lets do this and then I was like no, I don’t want to end it let’s work it out. I told him that I will try to change. He said you’re just saying that. I was thinking yea I probably am. On the way home he kept asking me “so what are you gonna do when you get home?” I am like huh? I was not understanding until he asked me was I gonna let him get his stuff. I was like duh why didn’t you just ask THAT question instead of “so what are you gonna do when you get home?” That didn’t make sense. I said sure y not? I guess he thought I was gonna act a fool and not let him get his things. No. I got out of the truck and went in the house and after about 20 minutes I didn’t hear him come in the house so I go back outside and he is standing by the truck pacing. I am like whats going on he is like I am just trying to get my mind right. Sooo I let him “get his mind right” and went back in the house.

We didn’t break up that night, but I don’t know, I know he is fed up with the arguing and so am I. He is stressed out about work, 50 zillion thousand tickets he has to pay, he ain’t got no money and I am just compounding on to that.

I will try to be more understanding.

Update *My Aunt*

I know i needs to be doing some updating……

My Aunt- Well lets start off with my aunt, the only member of my family that I was really associating with and keeping in contact with besides my father. The last time I wrote we wasn’t speaking remember because of some bullshit. I wrote about that in my who cut the cheese post? LOL Well we actually ended up making up. I forget who called who first but some where around I think it was fourth of July she invited me over to her house to chill with her and her girlfriend because she had cooked and she wanted to meet BJ.

When I spoke to her after us being on the outs for awhile she was surprised to learn that not only had I not gotten back together with Rich, but now had moved on to BJ and had moved him in all up in my house and thangs. She was really expecting me to get back together with my ex I guess because we was together for 7 years and she knew how much I love his azz.

She met BJ. She liked him. At first when we walked into her house she was just like nice to meet you and everything. I couldn’t really tell what she was thinking about him until me and BJ was seated and my aunt’s girlfriend came out from the back room and saw my boyfriend. My aunt’s gf was basically acting a damn fool lol…like oh my God , he sooo handsome, damn where you find him at, ya’ll gonna have some pretty kids etc LOl. It was funny and embarrassing at the same time. After my Aunt’s girlfriend expressed what she thought about my man thats when my aunt let me know she approved. She was like yea Christina got a looker I see. I wouldn’t mind babysitting ya’ll kids cuz you know I don’t do the ugly ones lol. (FYI my aunt is extrememly hard to please in the looks department..she is high yella with light eyes and she is going on 50 but think she is the greatest thing created still since sliced bread. She talks bad about everybody..so for her to compliment my man thats something. Hey not that I cared if she approved or not because she thought my ex was ugly and I was still with him) The night ended ended well and me and my aunt was back talking and I was happy until….

Not too long after that day, my aunt invites me to go to lunch with her and a friend of hers. I was like cool. I was happy to spend time with her and since me and my ex had broken up, me and my aunt had gotten closer so I didn’t want to lose that connection just because I was in a new relationship. Ya know. So on this day, my aunt came and picked me and BJ up and we went to this nice restaurant that me and my aunt had been to before. I was in a really great mood. I paid for her meal and everything that day. After we left the restaurant her and her friend decided they wanted to go to the gameroom. The gameroom is like a casino. I didn’t even know that they even had casino’s in Houston until I started chilling with my aunt. Totally illegal!!! Ha ha such a trip how I found out, one day my aunt had took me to this place that said 99 cent store on it. The tint on the windows was really dark but I didn’t think nothing of it she didn’t tell me what she was getting from there but I always love to shop in the 1.00 store so hey I jumped out to go in, but when I walked inside, they had slot machines everywhere. It was a trip, but every since that day I now know how to spot them. Anytime I see a store with no name and has really dark tinted windows on it I know that its a casino. Crazy..But anyways my aunt and her friend was on one side playing slots and me and BJ was on the other side playing and losing all our money.

Anyways I was through playing . I had lost all that I wasn’t planning on losing but BJ wanted to continue to play. He had left his money at home so I was gonna spot him a 20 until we went back, and I am digging around in my purse and coming up empty. I remember telling BJ that I didn’t know where my money was. I knew I should have had more money, but he was like thats ok and my aunt was getting ready to leave so I just forgot about it. As we were heading out the door, my aunt leading the way, I saw her bend down next to the car and pick up something from the ground. Then I saw her chasing something that had flew a few feet away. I didn’t think nothing of it. Then I saw something green, a piece of paper next to the car, so I scooped down to pick it up and it was the receipt from the restaurant. When I looked over to my aunt she had (yep you guessed it) my money in her hand. The zipper on my purse was broken but I was still carrying it and the receipt from the restaurant and my money had ended up falling out of my purse. Thats why when we were in the gameroom I was telling BJ I am sure i had more money.

My aunt was all tripping because she “found” some money and I am steady telling her thats my money. I told her this my receipt it dropped out of my purse and as I am telling her this she is stuffing the money in her pocket and is like what that mean? That don’t mean anything. Gangsta. Yep, my family is gangsta. I was soo fucking mad I wanted to cry. I just got in the car and nobody wasn’t saying anything. So after awhile I was like can i have my money? and she is like how you know this is yours? How much is it? If its yours you ought to be able to tell me how much it is? How I know whats yours and whats mine now?

And that made no since because she asking me exactly how much it is and then telling me she don’t know how much of it is hers and how much of it is mine now that she has it all mixed in together in her pocket. So it makes no difference how much it really is does it ? She was still planning on keeping it. A complete trip. So she dropped us off at our house and I just got out the car without saying shit to her and BJ was like nice to meet you to her friend and nice seeing you again to my aunt. I was kinda mad at that like nigga she just stole my money don’t fucking talk to her azz. I heard her asking her friend if she was wrong or not and her friend was like trying to stay out of it. Hells yea you wrong. But that was the last time I let her burn me.. When I went in the house I just cried and BJ held me. It wasn’t even about the money its just how she handled it. She is too gutter and I am not like that. I can’t be around people like that. It hurt because I really love my aunt and I feel like she did me dirty but oh well that is life.

I didn’t talk to her again until in September when I found out my father was very sick in the hospital. And that will be my next post.

Missed Again

 Saturday I spent some time with my niece for the first time in forever. I took her to Rodeo In The Park at Kelsey Seybold, The Children’s Museum, and the movies because she hadn’t seen Dreamgirls. We had fun While we were out I missed Bj call. Its funny because I was really looking forward to his call and I missed it again. The thing is I have Sprint and my cell rings when it wants to. I really hate Sprint service and a lot of people be thinking i be igging them but its not me its the phone. I actually had it out with a guy I was talking to a couple of months ago because he said my phone was ringing and I never would answer and he had called me several times. The thing is my phone never rang and he did not believe me.  I didn’t even know anyone had called until I went to use my phone it said no service, so I turn it off and turn it back on, and after I turn it back on then my phone starts going off like crazy from all the voicemails that was sent to me. Crazy.

But anyways, I missed Bj call and he sent me a message talking about I am ignoring him because I forwarded his call to my voicemail ( I didn’t ..it was the phone) and he guesses I don’t want to talk to him anymore and he apologizes deeply for what I am feeling. Yadda yadda Yaaa. I was waiting soo long for him to call me and when I missed his call I started thinking maybe that was for the best and maybe I should just let him go and move on.

In other news, I started talking back to Rich again. I dont know why and what for. It seems like when I get lonely I tend to fall back on him and he really ain’t no one to be falling back onto. He fools me everytime because he will start off talking to me like he got some sense and then he results back to being immature and pathetic. I love him soo much. I mean I figured out I spent close to 7 years with him and that means a quarter of my life was spent with. Thats a great deal! He concerns me because when I was talking to him he pointed out that he was thinking about just dropping in on me to see me. NO NO. I need to talk to him, because whether we cool or not you don’t just drop in on me at no point in time. I kinda feel sorry for him because he is going on 40 and has never been married . You would think he would look at that and be like what is up with me? I don’t think he knows what love is. He tells me that I never loved him. I mean Stevie Wonder could see that I did love that boy. I mean I loved him more that I loved myself. One day I shall learn.

*****Update*****

Wow. I have not visited this site in such awhile. Well my life has done a complete 360. I am no longer with R.M. as unbelievable as it sounds. I really don’t feel like going through all the details but in a nutshell lack of open communication, trust issues, and lack of respect was apart of our demise. I really never pictured my life without him but to be honest my mind is soo free and open and I can see soo clearly now. Like that song “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone” yes …..yes..He still calls me occasionally and I broke down and called him a couple of times. But we really don’t have good communication so we always start arguing and calling each other out of each other names and everytime I question whether or not we made the wrong decision seems like I only need to give him a call and my question is anwered. Hell To The Naw..leave everything where its at. I gave him close to 7 years of my life. I need to cut off all communication with him really because he is someone that is capable of f’ing up my whole day and I shouldnt let anyone do that. Besides he still chilling with his “chick on the side” so what the hell he calling me for. You not going to have your cake and eat it too with me and I am not about to be your fall back girl.

 

In other news, me and my Aunt Pat have gotten closer now. I talk to her every other day and see her every weekend. I haven’t really found anyone yet. On one hand I want to be in a relationship and on the other I think I should just be chilling right now. So I am just talking. I met a few dudes that have tried to rush me into some thangs and thats not what I wanted. They wasnt right for me. Of course its good that I experienced what I did with R.M. with the living together and all because its an experience that I will learn from and God will bless me for it. There is no way I can say I didnt do all that I could do for that relationship no matter what R.M. says and how he tries to make me feel because I was there for him soo much through him not having a job, a place to stay, monetarily, whatever he wanted I basically gave him and he was there for me as well but not fully like I needed him to be. It will be alot that I will miss about him but if the trust is not there and I mean we have NOOOO good communication at all…so what can I say. I finally “let it go”

 

My Baby Is Gone (WAAAAAAAH!)

RM is gone for the weekend…..I am soo not used to being here alone <smh>but I am okay when its just me here by myself during the day however when night falls I get kinda lonely sleeping in that big king size bed upstairs. Every noise being a potential burglar. For right now, I am enjoying the peace, the quietness, the stillness, the freedom of just doing whatever it is that I want which I do anyway however without having RM bug me every five minutes or soo about something or other. I really do miss my Babe though. He went back to his home town PA (home of dem boys BunB and PimpC (yo he Freee!!)) because his cousin died the week before last (swallowed some drugs while running from the popo’s..Bummer) . Babe did not take it that easy with Rick and he being kinda close and all. I hadnt had the chance to meet this cousin.

 

RM and I had a really great convo lastnight. Sad to say I am hardly ever able to talk seriously with him without him getting upset and yes he did get upset last night too but the talk started out nice. You know RM and I have been together for 6 years and I think its time for us to decide whether we are going to make it official–make it right –or go on about our business and part ways. RM brought up the fact that he needs to take a break for him to decide what he really wants…thats how the convo really got started. I think this stemmed from the night before last when I brought up to him that I could sense he was unhappy with the way things going and about me letting him go. I made a post earlier this week with a poem I found online with how I feel about the situation you can find here —–> Poem<—–. Lately, he has been looking down and depressed(more than usual) as if he is not satisfied with the way that his life is going, and because he is unhappy in a way it has made me unhappy as well. In a way I feel that we should take a break and re-group. We are very co-dependent on each other and both of us are enablers. We are very similar in a lot of ways. I know that RM is not happy and neither am I if I am honest with my self. I concentrate on the fact that I could be happy if …..(long list of things here..if RM was happy, if RM would just do this or that, but the bottom line is he don’t.) and I also concentrate on the good a lot instead of the bad …..(RM is soo romantic, he helps me out around the house, we spend tons of quality time together) not saying the fact that I don’t concentrate on the bad is not a good thing but…

 

As for going back to the enabler part..I dont think RM is going to reach his full potential being with me and in a way I feel like I am holding him back and he is holding me back as well. For instance, if I wasnt in this relationship more than likely I would be in school. If RM wasn’t in this relationship he might find a better job instead of depending on me. I am confused because I think in another time him and I would be soo right for each other however we have soo many things working against us right now and its hard to LET GO. He made a good point last night which I agree with. Right now would be a good time to seperate seeing how we managed to avoid having kids which would have just confused the situation even more. Thank God for small miracles. Better that we go ahead and do this before we continue. I dont want to be married to a man that still doesnt know whether or not he wants to be with me and confused and wondering whether or not the grass is greener in Atlanta or New York LOL. I upset him because he thought I was gonna get soo upset with him suggesting he take a break and I wasn’t. He asked “why are you soo okay with this?” Well mainly because its something that I have been thinking about too and we have discussed this soo many times throughout the years and neither of us have gotten serious about seperating. I am getting older and I want a family. He also got upset on the fact that I told him that I am not going to put my life on hold either. He is soo interested and affected about the fact that I would be dating and getting it on with someone else LOL. I mean I am just more realistic you mean to tell me we take a break you are not going to talking to anyone else?? Yea Right! I told him not saying that I will be out there actively looking for someone however if God sends someone my way I am not going to turn away my blessing because you don’t know what you want. When we break that means you take the chance of losing me. HE DIDNT LIKE THAT, YA’LL. LOL I have a feeling that this is all talk and smoke and mirrors but we can’t just keep letting years pass us by. At first it was ok because I was not interested in getting married and was young and still am, but now Its like when women get a certain age most start yearning for a baby. Everyone bringing their little ones to the job to show them off makes me wanna be next in line.

Released

   I held you close to me
     tried to surrounded you
     and protected you with my love,
     to keep you safe from all harm,
    but it was not what you needed.    I wanted to keep you for myself
     encircled, sheltered
     Instead of allowing you to grow and flourish
     spread your wings
     explore your potential.
 
    I now realize
    I cannot contain you,
    and that your happiness
     is best discovered without me.

<

    To let you go
     knowing I must set you free,
    This is the hardest task I have ever done.

    Fly away
     Fly high
      Fly free

    Disappear from my sight, quickly
     and do not look back.
    For if you do
    You will see a smile
     covering the broken heart.
    But the tears of loss
     are slowly replaced with tears of joy
     knowing your happiness will soon follow.

    May your wings take you
     to magical places,
    and all your dreams
     be fulfilled.
    Be happy in all you do
     and may one day find your true love.
    That is what I have always wanted for you.

        Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

Who’s In Your Front Row?

Life is too short to permit anyone or anything to bring negativity to your life. Re-evaluate your life and decide who you will permit to sit in your front row.

Just a little something to think about….

Life is a theater…Invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives.

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a DISTANCE.It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or friendships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

 Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Remember that the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our income.So we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we feed our minds.

We should not share our dreams with negative people, nor feed them with negative thoughts.

So, Who’s in your front row?

(this is some advice that I really need to take heed to)

Are All Men Really Dogs?

Whats done in the dark will surely come to light…..

I really dont know what to say, because what I thought was not possible was very possible. Daddy say dont put all your trust in one man and thats exactly what I did. Thought I had the perfect man and I didnt. Thought he could do no wrong and he did. Never would I have thought he would betray me and after 6 years decided to prove me wrong.

I THOUGHT I HAD MY THANG ON A STRANG….but I didnt.

Surprisingly I dont feel as heartbroken as I should which leaves me wondering if its really love or just pretending . Going thru the motions, got comfortable. Dont we all. Feel more so as though I am losing my bestfriend than the love of my life. What I stated I would never put up with found myself wanting to put up with. I have always stated you will never know how you are going to act in a situation until it happens to you.

Is he sorry? I dont believe his is.

Do I really wanna put up with the drama of wondering, not knowing, not trusting? I dont think I do.

Lies.Lies.Lies. And More Lies. Is all that I am getting. So I stopped asking questions.

Unhappiness with yourself but you think its me.

Stated last night , For the first time I can see how people get strung on crack. Its like you soo low and want to be lower.
Looked as if he wanted to kill me after I stated that, but thats how I felt.

I already have an addict mentality which I am sure I got from my father. I am like my father more ways than I care to admit. I love my father to death but he is weak. Not strong like my mother. I wish I was more like her. Is it possible to inherit an addict mentality? Thats a good question.

God give me strength to get me thru…Until Next Time…

Chrissy