Do u know what today is…

It’s our anniversary, oh yea, anniversary. Well actually it was yesterday.  B-J and I  celebrated our 2 year anniversary. We had a ball at Dave n Busters and then ended the night at Red Lobster. I don’t too much care for Red Lobster. I mean we have been a couple of times and have always been disappointed. Our restaurant is Chilis. We always go to Chilis tho so we decided to go to eat some lobster. Every time we see their commercial we’re always like let’s give it another try because that ish looks soo good on tv haha. I tried lobster for the first time yesterday and that ish is gooood!! I see what all the big hoopla is about now. It was grilled and oh my Lord it was soo good. Next time I would like to order a whole one lol.Can you believe all those times I went to that Restaurant I never tried their lobster. Okay. Didn’t know what I was missing out on but anyway….

How good does it  fill knowing that you are loved? I love the fact that my man tells me that I make him soo happy. He has no problem expressing to me how he feels and putting into words how I make him feel. I love it soo much. When we came out of Dave n Busters, we was all giddy with excitement after going there acting like big kids, being competitive, and just playing games. Everytime we come from Dave n Busters he is always soo happy and in a good  mood. Just like a kid . All he need is his games. Men can be such simple creaturs sometimes.Not complicated individuals like us lol.

It is good to know if he is ever feeling down all I have to do is take him to Dave n Busters, get him his Spicy Lamb dish that he enjoys from this Asian Restaurant, and ride him one good time, and he’s pretty much in Heaven. Haha. I crack myself up but its soo true. He is a complete turn around from that last man that I had. Couldn’t make that man happy to save my life. Always had something to complain about no matter what I did. Oh well.

Last night before bed I wanted to recap a little bit by asking how was the last two years and what did we need to improve on in order to make our relationship improved and be where we would like it to be. I think we both agreed that we are really good now. I spent the majority of the first 2 years pushing him away and just basically being afraid of getting hurt and I have really sloooooooooooowed down on all of that. The more we are together I am starting to let my guard down a little more. Isn’t it like when u let your guard down shit goes wrong tho?  People sometimes take that as they q to act a damn fool .But whatever I am letting my guard down more and more and just enjoying the relationship and being happy. I had read some quote the other day basically about why waste time worrying about problems that are not there. You should handle those problems if and when they come up. If you spend all your time worrying about something that isn’t there you miss out on enjoying something that is good and beautiful and right-right now.

Live for today basically and I am doing that!! When it comes to my relationship anyway haha.

My Baby Is Coming Home…..

Just called the  jail for an update because when I called earlier today I found out 5 of the cases was dismissed but he still had to got back to court tonight. He had a total of 15 cases of traffic tickets and a few had turned into warrants. He was scheduled to go back to court at 6 this evening so I was waiting to call and get an update. My aunt stopped by she was going to take me up there to see him but when I called I found out that he was waiting to be released. Yipppeeeee!! I was going crazy without my snooga bear. Its only been one night but still. I was talking to this girl at my job and she was like he probably just do a couple of days but I had my doubts. I told her how many cases he had and she was like damn 15??? Obviously she had some experience and was like when she went to court the judge told her to plead not guilty and her case ended up being dismissed. I was like the judge told you to plead not guilty wow! Ok but I wonder if the same thing happened to him. All them tickets I can’t see all them cops showing up. I am soo happy I was thinking he was going to be sitting there a few months.

I hope he learned his lesson but you know how men is. I kept telling him that shit will catch up to you. But I am not sad n e more. I don’t think I will get any sleep tonight tho because I will be up waiting for him.

I’m Sad

My baby got arrested today. I soo hate that!

We will make a argument out of anything

Ok so after our big break up that didn’t even last a day we was back arguing again yesterday and he was ready to leave all over a damn cookie. Yes. A cookie. It went a little something like this.

The boyfriend gets up to go get some cookies out of the kitchen and starts to eat on them. They those old expensive ass Pepperidge cookies that have only a few in the pack. Supposedly they his favorites but this the first I ever seen him eat one in 2 years??

Me: Can I have one? Well wait how many you have left in there?

The bf: Yes you can one.. (proceeded to give me one) ..I don’t know how many left in here.

Me:How many you have left?

The bf: Three.

Me: Oh okay No sorry I changed my mind I don’t want any.

The bf: Girl, here. Take this cookie.

Me: No I don’t want one.

The bf: Why you ask then?

Me: Because . I did want one because I saw you with it but I changed my mind because you only have 3 left.

The bf: I don’t care if I only have one left. I don’t mind sharing with you.

Me: I know. I just don’t want it now.

The bf: Damn you make me not even want to eat it anymore (proceeds to get up and put the cookies away)

Me: ( I’m upset) Just because I changed my mind about wanting a cookie does not mean that should stop you from enjoying your cookies and milk.

The bf: I just don’t want it anymore.

After that we was watching tv but I didn’t even want to watch it anymore because he had a shitty ass attitude looking all pissed all because I changed my mind about a damn cookie. And I was mad because he put the freakin cookies away just because I changed my mind and didn’t want any.  I was like what tha hell?  He started talking about how I always put him before me and he don’t like that. Any other girl would have been like give me a cookie or whatever but I am always thinking about him and being extra considerate of him and his  feelings  like me not wanting to eat all his cookies.

WHAT THAT HELL? SOO YOU MAD BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRL THAT IS CONSIDERATE NOW???

Ummmkay. He told me he like the fact that I am giving but I am too giving sometimes that it makes him mad. It was stupid and petty. I changed my mind this is not a reason to argue because I changed my mind. So we was going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Then he got up and was like you know what this is not going to change. We are going to continue to argue and started getting his stuff to leave. He still had his stuff in the Tundra from a few days ago that he did not bring in the house so basically he was just grabbing a few things he had in here to leave.

I wasn’t saying shit I was trying to be all hard about the situation like nigga wanna get mad about a fucking cookie and leave let him go then lol! He tore up the letter I wrote like did you even mean this shit??? I was like I meant it at that time lol. So he left out the door and I was looking out the peep hole at him to see if he was really going and I saw him place his stuff like next to my door and walk off  . So I go oustide talking shit “you wanna leave and break up with me fine don’t be leaving your shit by my door” It was crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

He ended up coming in the house tho and we had make up sex that night. It was real good too. Like better than it has been in a looong while.

I don’t know why we are arguing soo fucking much. I think maybe I have gotten in the habit of picking fights with him and its rubbed off on him and he has started to do that to me now. I was mad tho because I was like damn can’t a girl change her mind.

He is right about one thing I do always put him before me. I don’t know why I will do that in relationships. If we only have one thing left to eat in the house I will save that for him and the man is supposed to look out for the woman but I be looking out for my man real tough. I am very nurturing but I shouldn’t ever put no man above me. I need to work on that.

But yea we almost broke up over some damn cookie this time.

Won’t b Happy Til I Push Everyone Away

Baby I don’t know what to do right now? I feel soo lost without you here. All I can do is sit here in the dark and concentrate on the fact that you are not here with me. I hate myself right now. I hate myself for hurting and pushing away the one good thing in my life right now. All because of something stupid. I let that mess up everything that we built and have together. I feel soo foolish for allowing my anger to get in the way of our happiness. I wish that I could bottle up what I feel right now so just to sniff that bottle will remind me of what it felt like you not being here. Your truly a good man. And I sometimes take for granted how good you are to me. How stupid for me to allow this to come in between us. Baby I want you back here. Watchin our shows. Eating our salad. Laughin and Talkin. Drinking our mixed drinks. I know that I will never find someone who takes care of my emotional as you do. I pray to God he send you back to me right now!! I hear your beats outside? Do I hear you coming back to me? Had God answered me?? No. I went walking looking for the sound all the way to Popeyes and I didn’t see you or the Tundra. Guess it was just me wanting it to be you there and I didn’t see you. Please call me tell me you’re ok. I wish I had a car to drive around and find you. Are u thinking about me? I think I finally lost you ) :
I wrote this on October 1st. He is back now but I feel like he has one foot out the door. He loves me but his patience has ran out with me. Isn’t this what I wanted? To push him away. Well I succeeded so why do I feel soo sad. Always fuckin up shit. Got someone being the man, treating me like a queen, and I fucked up my own good thing. Didn’t have to have another bitch in the picture helping out. It was all me this time.

Four Day Weekend

I am going to enjoy this 4 day weekend.

I don’t have any plans for Labor Day tho. I miss the days when ALL of us came together for a bar-b-q and just partied and had a good time. You know like a family is supposed to. I miss that. It makes me want to have a little family of my own. My very wise and smart man says “no we cannot afford” and you know he is soo right. Babies are cute but I need to figure out a way to pay for that booger first.

I was thinking, with all these women getting knocked up with no father in the picture, it does make me wonder are the women the ones convincing the men to impregnate them.

I started getting baby fever around age 22 and I would bring up to my ex from time to time that we should have a little one but he would always quickly knock down my idea.

I bring it up from time to time with Bj and he says “not right now”, but I know if I continued to press the issue I could easily convince him to have one with me.

I just wonder how many men that have impregnated these women were unwilling parties.

You know most men are easy to talk into doing stuff especially when they care about you. They love to please us ladies.

Even if the men were talked into getting their woman pregnant it does not excuse them from taking care of the baby once it is here and the relationship doesn’t work out like they had hoped.

I am just saying, I bet it was a lot of women that talked these men into getting them pregnant when they were not ready and now are mad because they not taking care of it.

Bj has a baby mama. A couple actually. It was one of the reasons that I did not want to get with him in the beginning but he won me over. Baby Mama #2 just came back into his life last year and has really been a thorn in his side because he is not being the father he should right now.

I don’t know how I feel about that. He doesn’t want to deal with her for a couple of reasons. The girl talks to him crazy every time she does call. I am not used to that. I told him I am the only one that gets to talk to you crazy like that lol. She is not fucking you anymore. But I digress. I know it is probably hard on her doing it all on her own.

Also he doesn’t just get to have the boy whenever he wants. He can’t just go get him. He has to play by her rules. She has to come along whenever he decides to do something with him. He says he wants to wait until he is older to be in his life because he does not want to deal with her. I would probably feel the same way no kidding but he did decide to have a child with her so the kid should not get punished because of the way his mother is.

I also don’t want to be the reason he is not in this child’s life which he says I am not. He tells me I am the reason that he will be in his life sooner than later because I always ask about the boy and if he has talked to him. Whenever the girl calls I do push him to answer. I don’t know if thats right or not. I don’t think I should be forcing him to be in the boy’s life but I know if I pressured him about it he would be more active in it. Funny but my opinion on this matters to him a lot. I am going to stop doing that tho. Its not my kid and I don’t want to be like his baby’s mother forcing him to see the boy when the child is not mine lol.

He made me mad though when we broke up ……for a day lol . He did tell the girl he would start seeing the boy more so I told him that makes me feel like I am the one coming in between you and seeing your child. Why?

N T Way.

I hope everyone has a good Labor Day weekend. I will enjoy my time off even if  I don’t do anything else. Maybe we can catch a movie or something. We haven’t did anything in awhile as a couple.

Everything Is Good

I really don’t have much to write about ya’ll. Everything is good. Me and mine getting along just fine. I love that man! He brings soo much joy into my life. We are enjoying life. I cannot wait to be engaged, married, barefoot and pregnant with little Chris’ and Bryants running around. Ha Ha. Living the good life.

As for work, more things have changed as usual. This is really one of the most can’t make up their fucking minds companies I and I am sure you have ever worked for. Shit is always changing. Remember last month I made a post that they had something else up their sleeve. Read here. But this time the change was actually something I liked. I can digg it. <smile> No more fucking s-a-l-e-s. Hallelujah!! Thank you Jesus! We do s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t customer service now. Something I always wanted to do. I hate to fucking sale. I don’t even know how I allowed myself to get roped into that type of job atmosphere anyway, but it is a paycheck and an easy one at that now. People call in now wanting to c-a-n-c-e-l their member-ships and I process their fucking cancellation without one fucking effort. Booooooo bitch get off my line. Its funny the customers are like aren’t you going to try to convince me to keep it. Naw Bitch your ass is cancelled!!!!!!!!!!!! Gone about your business if you don’t want it then you don’t have to have it. People I swear? When you try to pitch a sale to them they don’t want to hear it but get mad when you don’t sale to their ass lol. Unfucking believable…

But as I stated this job is always changing so I don’t expect for it to stay like this too long. I am sure eventually they will find some way for us to start back doing s-a-l-e-s even tho they just let go of the s-a-l-e-s dept last month. Can’t make up their fucking mind I tell you but I am going to ride this wave while it lasts. My job is such a freaking joy now. Calls are sloooow right now which is soo unusual for this company. Usually they are back to back all day to where I can’t even get a breath in between. Soo they have been letting people A-u-t-o now which is basically when the calls are slow they have a number of spots available for people to go home who choose to. This is bad because I don’t know how to turn that down. I have been doing A-u-t-o for the last couple of weeks and my last check was hurting because of it. Its funny my co-workers get mad at me because I leave everyday early.

Whatever! Hell they have the option to do so too but they pass it up so why they make their little snide remarks about me going home everyday I would not know. Mad because they can’t I guess. Hell its me going home with a small ass paycheck so why the fuck you hating guys?? Its funny because everybody want to go home early on Friday tho and let my ass be the one to get an A-u-t-o spot. Good Lord! All I hear is “she been going home early all week”. Ummm didn’t your ass have the option to as well which you decide to pass up. To me A-u-t-o is like a long deserved vacation for me. Soon the calls will be back to back again and we all will be complaining glued to our fucking seats. Not going a got damn where. Give me a break.

But that is pretty much all that is going on with me and as you can tell its not much buts its alll good

Love ya

On Ice

Today me and the bf went out and had a chance to go to the movies. He wanted to see Hancock but we didn’t so we might go see that next time. He decided he wanted to go see the movie Wanted. Two of my most favorites actors was up in there, Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie. God Angelina is soo freaking hot. I would do her.I really would lol. It is just something about her. She is sexxy as hell.

But anyways, he wanted to see Wanted because we could tell by the amount of showings it was about to leave the theaters soon. Good Movie! I really enjoyed it even tho we were about 20 minutes late getting to the movies and I hate watching movies when its already started. I don’t like missing nothing. It makes me not want to watch it but it was cool. When we got there I was like is this the movie? The part we came in at was kinda like a comedy and I didn’t see no Angelina or Morgan. Baby was like be patient we just got here. I kept checking the ticket to make sure that we went into the right room lol and then I saw Angelina. Funny. I am soo impatient and was ready to walk out of there. He was like you do not give movies a chance. It’s going to start off boring. I was like it wasn’t boring it just wasn’t starting how I expected but did have a whole lot of action. It did have a few funny points in the beginning because of the other main character. He was kind of a goofball  at first.

Baby got home from work at 6 so we had plenty of time to get ready for the 8:10 showing but we was messing around downloading music. I have gotten into sweepstaking and I had won 5 free movie downloads from Rhapsody. I download music free anyways but they the were free also so I decided to just give it to him. I thought it would be fun for us to find songs together to download but that man don’t know the name of nothing and who sings what lol. So it took us almost 2 hours to download 3 songs. We still didn’t finish finding all 5 to download so I was like when you in the truck riding right down the names and titles of what you like so I can find it for you. I discovered also I love heavy metal. My baby likes rock and alternative music and metal and they have quite a few songs that I was jamming to. I also like the Jonas Brothers. I need to get their cd for real.

But anyways yea sweeping is my new hobby I am trying to win some money or a trip. I deserve it. Doesn’t everybody? Hey I have only being sweeping for 2 days now and I already won some Subway chips and some music downloads . I know its not much but it gives me hope. It gets kinda tiresome entering your name into sweepstakes forms everyday over and over but if I believe then I will win. I’m a winner baby!! My hobbies change ever soo often so hopefully I won’t get bored with it.

I am still sticking with the blogging thing because its my release. I have accepted the fact that I am not going to have a zillion commentors like other bloggers and thats ok. I do this for myself so I am going to keep at it. I thought it would be nice to have a few commenters every now and then to get their point of view but if I need another point of view I know how to pick up the phone and call Crystal crazy ass. I have also accepted that she is not going to be “the friend” that I would like for her to be but she is good for giving advice and for checking my ass when I am tripping. She supposed to be marrying her long time love in September. Hopefully they go thru with it this time. Ten years and soo many kids later you might as well tie that knot tight. He is not going nowhere lol.

Maybe one day I shall be taking that trip down the isle but I am not in no kinda rush because when I gets married its gonna be to death and let some little trifling hoe try to tear us apart I will cut that thang off. I know its good but hell you not going to be getting any of mine but shiit thats punishing myself too lmao.  I don’t know I  just don’t think people know how to be faithful these days so whats the point in marriage and I am not the type that can easily get over someone screwing over me. I have tried. Its hard for a bitch like me to let shit go. Oh well.

Well I am out. My baby is sleep and I am about to go upstairs and cuddle up next to him….

Getting back to normal

Yea things are pretty much getting back to normal now.

Me and my little bull have kinda stopped with all of the arguing .

We have been talking a lot these last few days. God I love him soo much. He sat me down and was like what can I do make things better and to make you happy with the way things are going because I love you and I want to be with you. And I told him I just want things back to how they used to be and I am mad that I fucked up everything. Yes, I fucked up. I prayed to God for him to send me someone like this and I was messing it up royally but I am done with doing that.

When I first met B I was using words to describe him like “knight in shining armour” and “my prince”. I know I used to get on my co-worker nerve like this bitch ain’t nothing perfect but it was. Man, it really was. Too good too be true . I used to try to find things to go wrong I think just because it was soo unreal. I could not believe they made guys like him in real life. I thought it was some type of fantasy novel romance bs. Most women never find a man like B. It was like he was put on this Earth to please me and satisfy me and that made me want to make him the happiest man ever. He made me feel like a woman and treated me like every man should treat their woman. He used to just admire me and put me on a pedestal and I wasn’t used to that. Lately I got to feeling like I was knocked down a bit. I was really mad at myself for messing it all up.

I know I jumped into this relationship too soon after breaking up with my ex and I pushed B away a lot because I was scared of getting hurt but he still remained patient and understanding. He was still nice and treated me well and with any other man their patience would have been ran out so hey his is just checking out after 1 and 1/2 years thats pretty damn amazing I would say.

He told me that things are going to go back to how they were and they are. He is back being affectionate, attentive, and everything. I am loving it!

I don’t know why I always find myself wanting to pick arguments over the small things. Well yes I do I want my way but I can’t be doing that because I see now how bad things can really get. B is really just a go with the flow kinda guy. He always told me that he doesn’t like to argue. A perfect day for him is just us cuddling up on the couch watching movies, eating, and being affectionate. We never argued as much as we have these last of couple of weeks…but I am committed to stopping the madness!!!

Just got to stop being soo bossy I guess.

I am just venting about my love

I love my Bf but gosh darn we have been arguing a lot lately . I think we are just too darn alike and we’re bumping heads because of it. Aquarius and Taurus are two of the most stubborn people you could ever meet and both signs like to have their way. Its soo funny when we argue and try to talk about one another because the things we point out in each other that we don’t like are the same behaviors that we both exhibit lol. I guess it is really true that things we don’t like in other people are our own defects. I always tell him he needs to look in the mirror. For instance he will tell me “You don’t listen. You always cut me off in the middle of my sentences. You don’t allow me to speak.” Which is true but he does it to. Sometimes when we are arguing about me cutting him off, he will go and cut me off while I am talking. What the hell? I am like why is it okay for you to do that. I do it more I admit. Its just he talks sooo much and its hard for me to not get in there and respond to some of the things that he says. I am impatient but he doesn’t give me time to respond. If I just let him go on and on and on and on and on I will forget about half the things he said at the start of the conversation. I feel like if I don’t interject that I’ll never get a change to respond to it. Now how do you get around that?

And either he has a bad memory or I have a bad memory. My memory is pretty darn good so of course its him. It annoys the hell out of me when he will try and tell me things that I said that I know I did not say or even when I tell him I said such and such he will tell me I didn’t say it. Smart mouth will say something like “Oh man I must have been sleep”. I can strangle him when he does this I swear. This is by far the worst pet peeve of mine that he does because its like he might as well say I am delusional. And I can never bring up the past with him and call him out on something he said because he never remembers saying it. He will say “I said that? Oh man. I am not saying I didn’t but I don’t remember it.” Well thats the end of the conversation. How can we discuss something that you don’t remember saying.

He re-writes history in his mind. He will say something and when I try to bring it back up later in the conversation when not even 2 minutes has gone by to try and make a point he’ll switch what he said around to have it mean something different than what he actually did say. So I have to go back back back back to the beginning of that conversation and basically re-discuss it until he realizes that he did in fact say what I said he did in the fist place. By then I am too exhausted to go back to where we left off in the conversation. By then, I have wasted all my time and efforts on something he forgot he said. Why must we got thru this all of the time? lol We are considering tape recording ALL OF OUR CONVERSATIONS. It is just that serious!

I wonder if marijauna does really cause short term memory loss?

He is defensive and doesn’t like to be told anything. I have this character flaw as well tho. I told you we are the same person almost. Before I tell an example, I hate to wash dishes. Eww! Hate it with a passion so we try to wash them after we use them but usually one of us will get lazy and put a dish there which causes the other person to get lazy and add their dish to that one and so and so on until we looking at a sink full of dishes. I had just cleaned the whole house and we was about to go upstairs but before he did he went and put a dish in the sink. OMG!! I heard the little “ting”. You know the sound of dishes hitting the sink. So I just said “Babe can you wash that please.” He says “You didn’t even give me a chance i was going to get it.” I swore when I came up in there he was walking away from the sink but still I probably should have just said “Ok” but instead I say ” You know if I had not said anything you would not have washed it.” He admitted that he wasn’t gonna wash it. Ok.

We argued about juice the other day. Juice? He bought two different kinds of Capri Suns and I guess he was keeping track of how many of one kind I drunk more than the other so he ask me something about not drinking all of one kind. He could not understand how I upset I got at that. I am like it’s petty thats why. I have brought soo many things up into this house that I have only gotten one bite out of and you darn near ate the whole thing but I never make a big deal out of it. I never trip over food and I am usually the one that buys the groceries???? I hardly ever ask him to put in on it. I don’t care about that. So ok I drunk a couple of more fruit punches than pink lemonades why is that a big deal? I tried to make him see it my way by saying “what if I didn’t like pink lemonade? And You didn’t tell me the limit I could have on each one if you did I would not be upset.” Plus, I feel if he loves me he shouldn’t care if I drunk the whole damn box, in my eyes. You or I can go take 3 dollars and go buy another one. It’s not that serious.

When I made groceries the other day we bought too more boxes from H-E-B who had it on sale for a dollar. Good price on that by the way! You know I had to get him because he damn near drunk one box by himself. Last night I go to get one and the box was empty so I made a comment about it. He’s like “yea WE drunk those pretty fast.” WE?? Yea umm one of us more than the other. I was like but I am not tripping over it and he was like yea and I won’t no more either and gave me a kiss. Thats all I was trying to get him to see.

His driving causes more arguments. It is another sensitive topic. He thinks he is the best driver in the world but has gotten more traffic tickets in the last 6 months than most people have gotten in their life. Which is one of the reasons why we are strapped for cash right now. When I am in the car it is hard for me not to comment but when I do that causes the biggest argument ever. I am cautious soo sorry if I see you about to run over somebody I am going to point it out.

The stuff we argue about is mostly petty tho. I think we need to get out more but money has been tight so we just stuck in the house and I guess taking it out on each other. I say he changed he was not like this before and he says I changed too and I say I changed because you changed.

Yesterday, I felt soo unhappy. There was nothing he could do to bring me out of it. I was just soo mentally drained and exhausted from the last few days of arguing that I just wanted to call it quits for real. He kept saying things like we can work on it, it’s gonna get better, but it’s like my mind would not let me receive what he was saying until he had all his shit packed and was about to leave. Thats when I snapped and was like damn this is real and am I really ready to give up on us. I know I am wrong for that but I was being stubborn and I knew deep down I didn’t really want to end it. I was just frustrated. I should have spoke up before I let it get to that point but I didn’t. What can I say?

I love my snookums. Things between us was soo beautiful 1 and 1/2 years ago ….He say we can get it back like that. I am going to work on me because I know there are some things I can change.

I wish you could buy patience sometimes.

Lonely

I am an Aquarius so I am always thinking thinking thinking which tends to cause problems for me because I get really depressed when I think and am faced with MY REALITY. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Like woe is me…nobody loves me…but after feeling that way and having a good cry about it I always somehow feel better.

I usually avoid this by trying to not think about the fact that I am lonely but when I think about it and I go over all that I have went thru and what I am left with I get depressed. I try to be optimistic about the situation like “oh God is blessing me to have a steady job and survive and be able to pay bills” but life is about more than just that isnt it.

When I overthink things too it causes problems for me and my bf because I push him away. I become afraid of someone else in this world leaving me yet again that I try to push him away before he leaves. I just don’t think that I could suffer thru it anymore. He always tries to convince me of how much he really loves me and he shoudn’t have to do that. One day I am going to push him away and he will be gone forever. Its happened almost twice already that I ran him off but he came back. My ex did this to me so I should know how it feels to be pushed away. I put up with it for close to 7 years and now I am treating my bf like this when he is a good person and doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be happy which is why he shouldn’t be with me.

I do depend on my bf too much for my own happiness and I am afraid of that. He brings me soo much happiness and makes me forget all about my loneliness that if we break up I wouldn’t die but I would want to. I took a big lost when my father died in Sept and when me and my aunt fell out yet again because those two where the only ones that I felt who cared about me because they called and checked up on me a lot.

Lately I have been thinking, and yes my crazy self did tell my boyfriend this If he decided to one day kill me no one would miss me? No on in my family calls to check on me. I don’t have any friends. Lord my body could lay up in this house for at least a year and no one would even know it.

I mean what is it about me. God doesn’t give you too much to handle they say and I am able to handle it but why should I have to. I dealt with my mothers death, my brother’s death, me and my ex breaking up, my fathers death, me and my aunt no longer talking and having no friends.

When I went to my cousin’s wedding, I was embraced and I felt like I was apart of the family. People I haven’t seen in years was hugging me and looking at me strangely making it seem like I am the one being the outsider. They only know what they are told and that isn’t the case. They make it seem like I am the one that doesn’t want to come around. The only way I feel they should be able to say that is if they were actually making an effort too and I was not responding to their effort. No one calls me and no one invites me over on holidays and I think that is really shitty to be honest because they know that I don’t have any family so the nice thing to do would be to invite me at least. Thats what a family is supposed to do. Instead they leave me out and just go on about their business acting like “oh Chris just want to be by herself and she doesn’t want to come around us or whatever so forget about her.” At least thats what it seems like how they are acting.

I have always been kind of quiet and to myself so its hard for me to take the initiative but why is it soo hard for them to embrace me. On Independence day I pointed all this out to my bf he was like why don’t you call them. Why should I have to? He mentioned before that they were the big group so some shit about me having to go to the group instead of them coming to me. Umm okay so If I dont go to the group as you say they just leave me out. Why should I even care? I used to not care but like I said things have been difficult for me since I lost my father.

I been taking a long look at myself like what is about me that makes people not want to embrace me. As a child I was spoiled and I got all the attention. Everyone loved me. I had more friends in elementary school than I ever did. My house was the place to be. All that changed around the age of 11. I know I am not the friendly type but alot of people are not friendly and have alot of friends. Why can’t people accept me. I am not a bad person.

I love writing in this blog it’s soo therapeutic. I want to write more often but I am lazy. But yea even with this blog I have what 2 readers. I may have more but they don’t comment. I am thinking about just making it my own private blog since no one reads it anyway.

Maybe I should start a family of my own. I sound like one of them kids off of talk shows wanting to have a baby so that I could have someone to love me but no I want to have a baby to replace the family that I don’t have. I told the boyfriend I wish I could have 10 kids. If I had the money I would adopt all of the unloved kids in the world that have lost their family or have been thrown away and made to feel unwanted.

For those of you that have a loving family be happy about that. If you have an overprotective mother relish that. Don’t take that for granted please. You never know what you have until its gone.

Love Is…

“Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life.”

–Deepak Chopra in Ageless Body, Timeless Mind

Relationships r just that way I guess

So B kinda made me mad this morning by not taking me to work.

I left early one day this week from work so I had to make it up today by going in on a Saturday (eww!) from 8-3. He did tell me last nite that he had to get to work early so he wouldn’t be able to drop me off I’d have to take the bus because he had to leave the house at 5. Yes he did say that. But….

I woke up this morning, looked at the clock it read 5:30 and he was not in the bed with me. I thought maybe he had left without saying goodbye. Never that. I found him in the music room on his beats. He was burning a cd to listen to while driving. I gave him a kiss on the lips, went into the bathroom to get ready for work. I was going to try to hurry up and get done so I could ride with him so I would not have to catch the bus to work. I was just going to go in early instead.  I had just finished my makeup and all I had left to do was to brush my hair and put on some clothes.

It was already 6 when I came out of the restroom and he was still on the computer burning his cd. Ok. I am like are you going to be able to take me to work? He looks at me with that irratated look that I hate for him to have for me when he says he doesn’t look at me that way ever. He’s a lie. Why the irratation??? I hate anyone looking at me like I am putting them out of their way. Pride. I have a lot of it and absolutely hate asking people to do anything for me. Yes, even my man.

He tells me he is about to leave now. I tell him it will only take me 15 minutes to finish doing what I have to do. I can tell he really does not want to take me and I am like…why? Damn my job is not that much out of your way and 15 minutes more for your woman  is not going to kill you. Hell you should try to avoid me (your girl) from taking the bus if you can neways. But yea he’s like ok I will but it’s gonna make me be late to my first move and plus I am going to get home later and yadda yadda yadda..just a bunch of damn excuses.

15 minutes gonna do all that?? Come on. I probably could have rushed it and been done in 10.

I was like ok never mind. He thought my little 15 minutes left of getting ready was going to put him out of his way so be it.

So he left without saying goodbye mind you. Whatever.

I texted him after thinking about it for a minute after he left :

“That is messed up that you could not wait 15 more minutes for me to get dressed” and left it at that. He texted me back some bullshit about his move being at 7 and he had to go. Ok

I don’t know maybe I could have been more understanding, but oh I thought you were “here to make my life easier” <—-his words

Well darn a simple ride to work is inconveniencing you?

I hate how I am in relationships. I easily start resenting people because I tend to put the person I am with over everything else including myself. If he needed a ride I don’t care if he made me 30 minutes late I would have taken him. Point is he is his own boss in a way so if he get to a move late no one is there supervising or tripping. Granted I do like my way but it balances out because I am a people pleaser. I like to please those I love and when he doesn’t do something for me I get like this “woe is me” “all I got is myself” “can’t depend on nobody” syndrome.

Yea. I wanted for him to know I was upset so I cut off my phone. This nigger be too busy to text me most times. But he been texting me every hour on the hour all day.

“Baby I miss you”

“Baby I love you”

“I hope your day going good’

He knows I was upset. And I ignored everyone of them texts and missed a couiple of his calls too. Yea I am maybe overreacting a little bit like I usually do. But shows him right. Hell. He should have been texting “you are right I could have waited 15 minutes and took you to work”

I get home before 4 everyday so I keep the phone by me waiting for him to call or text. Fuck him today. He go crazy blowing me up when …oh no… normally he too busy carrying couches by hisself and trying to move the freaking world  to text me how’s he doing. He has gotten better tho.

But when I worry less about him it forces me to take better care of me and thats how it should be. Gotta remember that. Its soo easy to lose myself in a man and I forget to take care of myself.

I got off work. I kept that ringer off. No phones allowed at work so we gotta keep it out of sight. Went and got my eyebrows waxed, took myself out to eat (to Wendy’s lol), and bought me some new shit. Gotta take care of self.

I can be pretty mean sometimes.

My Life My Life My Life My Life

It has been awhile since I have truly been this happy. I am letting my guard down more and more each day but still not all the way down because thats when things start fuccing up right? I really love this man and I used to always say darn everyone getting blessed being happy when is it my turn to be happy. I know I have been blessed being able to have a job from 4 years, not going hungry, having a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I am happy for that. All this not having no one to depend on but THE MAN up above. I have never had to ask my family for jack. My baby is like stop being soo damn independent (even tho thats what he says he loves about me). Its hard sometimes to let go and just BE A WOMAN. I have been the man and the woman in the relationship for soo long I forget I got someone that takes care of business and does it VERY WELL.

But HE really blessed me when he removed someone from my life that meant no good for me not only that but replaced him with someone that is devoted to pleasing me and I do the same for him. Thats my heart right there. Everyone in bad relationships that feel like they don’t have the strength to let it go should keep praying to God about the situation because I know what its like to feel like you are “STUCK” in a bad situation. I have been there and I know what it feels like and its not a good feeling to just takes someones bullshiit disrespecting you and not appreciating you when you really don’t have to take that so why do we become soo complacent. Do what you do and find someone that appreciates you for you and all that jazz. Why do you and get stepped on by an ungrateful mutherfuccer. I fear sometimes getting “STUCK” again but with my honey he is soo respectful and patient with me I really feel there is nothing to fear. Plus Id like to think I am little bit stronger this time but Love makes me weak. We get along great enjoy each others company have fun with one another and we both know how to be a big kid and then get serious. I would do anything for that man.

In other news my job is making yet another change. Aint that a biitch. This company lays off people more than a little bit. It has decided all of a sudden it doesn’t need its sales dept so has decided to do away with it so they are going to FIRE the sales dept and let them get re-hired again at get this 9.00 an hour WTH. Instead of doing sales they are going to be doing what I do which is mainly customer service. Ain’t that something. Aren’t I glad that I transferred from sales to customer service so I would not have to deal wit that bs. This company I swear. One of my best friends has been with the company for 5 years and she is going to be reduced to 9.00 an hour and she will lose her seniority and this girl has 4 kids. That is not funny. So they offered them a severance package instead if they don’t want to do that and will give them she said 1000 for each year that she has been there. Hummmm…..ok? But she says she is just soo fed up with the company and all of the changes that they keep doing that she is going to just take the 5 grand and look for something else. Can’t say that I blame her. If I was put in that position that is hard and scary to make a change but hey I have been with the company for 4 years and I know I deserve way more that 9.00 dollars and hour for all that I put up with. Hell I should be making more that I am making at this moment but a year ago they decided they wanted to take a dollar away from everyone

With every change this company makes I just take it like a soldier or a little bitch whichever way you see it and roll with the punches. I have seen soo many ppl get fired from the company over some of the most silliest stuff and I have survived, but I be damn if I allow them to play with my money again just because The company decides they want to lower their starting pay rate to 9.00 an hour and is trying there damndest to figure out away to pay their loyal employees who have been there for years what they pay their new hires. Get outta here. That is ass backwards. I have been with the company for 4 years . I got all that time invested and you gonna play me like that. I feel this is not over they definitely got something more up their sleeve. Like maybe lowering my dept to 9.00 dollars an hour. I . THINK. NOT. I am not going to worry about it. I have been thru it all and will still come out on top and my girl got something better that God has for her to do to .

Happy Easter!

Well I am hoping everyone had a great Easter holiday. Me and BJ got out and went to Dave n Buster’s. We desperately needed to get out and just get away from it all to clear our heads and play games and get back to enjoying each other. Now having said that, before I get to what happened at Dave n Busters, I am going to tell you that me n BJ haven’t been getting along soo well lately *gasp* . Yes, this is true. This perfect relationship – perfect communication- my knight in shining armour-man out of romance novel-man I put on a pedestal- oh I finally found a man that “gets me”- oh he is soo patient with me-oh he makes me want to become a betta person- yea him well he is just regular ole BJ now.

Now please don’t get me wrong he is still a great guy, but in case you didn’t know , I am going to tell you -“I am kind of a big deal” ( I want that shirt lol). Yea, I am a lot to handle and I can tell he is slowly running out of patience with me. Props to him for lasting soo long. My ex lasted almost 7 years but I had met my match in him so we just learned how to put up with each other shit for far too long. Men fall in love with me quickly because I got it going on *toot toot* I am pretty, I am a big girl but I wear it well, I keep myself up (meaning like hair, makeup, and clothes not exercise-wise lol), I have a nice smile, I am kindhearted, I am laid-back (as long as things are going my way), I am a great cook, I am independent chick, I got my own house, keeps it clean, ok job, no kids, know how to cater to my man, know how to stroke an ego, oh my wonderful qualities are endless.

Now as the relationship progresses, than thats when they began to see my bad qualities. Not that I was hiding those bad qualities or anything. Hell its hard for me to hide them. Them other people (in my head) just come out on their own. I try soo hard to fight it but I am an emotional person so I just react..I mean overreact lol. Gotta laugh at yourself right? I am soo honest to where I am sometimes too blunt. I told BJ from the jump how I was. He told me that I could not be any worse than what his ex was. I said “O.K.” .Altho Easter Sunday he ended up telling me I was acting like his ex *sighs*. And yes I am honest with myself I can point out my bad qualities to you. I am stubborn, I can be selfish because I like to have my way but only about some things–it’s complicated because I like to let him have his way too because I am a people pleaser. I don’t know I guess only when I want my way thats when it become a problem. I am spoiled but this kinda cancels itself out because I like to spoil him too, I am an attention grabber (unlike other spoiled folks I don’t want your attention I just want the attention of the ones that I love), I overreact, I over analyze things, I am critical, I haven’t mastered the art of “letting stuff go”, I bring shit back up, I fight over small shit that pisses me off, oh my bad qualities are endless. So while he may wanna leave its hard because he knows that I am a really good person and frankly when its good its good but when its not good well it can get real ugly.

Seriously now I can’t change myself completely and I wouldn’t want to but I am trying to work on the OVERREACTING and the LETTING SMALL STUFF GO. I think if I work those 2 out we’ll be fine. It’s gonna be hard. BJ is not innocent. He needs to work on the ALWAYS WANTING TO BE RIGHT and GOING BACK TO BEING PATIENT WITH ME (ya know before I wore his patient button out) and BEING ATTENTIVE TO ME WHILE HE IS AT WORK (now this is where he says I am demanding but hell he works all day he needs to text me more) and SEXXING ME MORE (he be “tired”)

It’s funny after writing all of that I don’t even feel like writing about what happened at Dave n Busters lol.

We got to Dave n Busters (my treat). We ate, had a drank, and then thats pretty much where the fun stopped. Bj was gonna go to the restroom before we started in on the games so I was waiting for him and then I decided I wanted to go to the restroom while he was already in the restroom. When I got out, I expected him to be waiting on me but he wasn’t he was already playing. So I just was like ok whatever I played some games and then I went over to him and we had some words and then he walked out and went to the truck and I went to the truck and we argued some more and then he took off and I tried to jump out of the truck while it was moving and he drove faster (punk) but he had to come to a light so I jumped out of the truck and took off walking. Never a dull moment. He had to keep driving because he was on the feeder and ended up parking somewhere and walking over to where he left me. We argued some more about nothing. I walked away and ended up stepping one of sandled feet into a hole in the ground that pulled off my shoe and broke off a chunk of skin on my foot that started bleeding (I know that punk was thinking thats what she get for acting like a b.i.t.c.h.). Bj tried to hand me my shoe to put back on and I told him to leave my shoe alone and he looked at the shoe and said “this is my shoe girl” (oh yea thats right it was). So then I took off the other one and refused to put back on “his shoes” even tho he insisted. So finally he convinced me to get back into the truck. Really I was just upset that I fucked up the day. We wasted money and we tried to let our problems go and enjoy ourselves but couldn’t. I felt like an even bigger ass when he was telling me he had got soo caught up playing this jackpot game, which is how he ran out of money soo fast, that gives you a lot of tickets so he could have gotten something nice for me with the tickets. AWWWW. He was like if he was playing for himself he would have just been playing arcade games.

And that was our Easter. We almost broke up on Easter. He started talking some crap about he tired of everyday same thing ……arguing. At first, I was being all hard like ok yea lets do this and then I was like no, I don’t want to end it let’s work it out. I told him that I will try to change. He said you’re just saying that. I was thinking yea I probably am. On the way home he kept asking me “so what are you gonna do when you get home?” I am like huh? I was not understanding until he asked me was I gonna let him get his stuff. I was like duh why didn’t you just ask THAT question instead of “so what are you gonna do when you get home?” That didn’t make sense. I said sure y not? I guess he thought I was gonna act a fool and not let him get his things. No. I got out of the truck and went in the house and after about 20 minutes I didn’t hear him come in the house so I go back outside and he is standing by the truck pacing. I am like whats going on he is like I am just trying to get my mind right. Sooo I let him “get his mind right” and went back in the house.

We didn’t break up that night, but I don’t know, I know he is fed up with the arguing and so am I. He is stressed out about work, 50 zillion thousand tickets he has to pay, he ain’t got no money and I am just compounding on to that.

I will try to be more understanding.

Humm …How Strong Is My Relationship?

This is about right

Your Relationship is Still Building Strength

You’re relationship is fairly strong, but you’re still working on making things solid.Make sure you’re both treating each other with kindness and respect, even when things aren’t going well.

How Strong Is Your Relationship With Your Guy?

Man writing is very therapeutic

After going and reading over my last post a couple of times, I realize man I be overreacting over some small shit but that negro still did not have to lie. I got him scared of me and thats not cool but Christina is always on point. I be damned if I play the fool again. Thats all.

Speaking Of Men Lying….

Man why do they do that? Bryant wants me to trust him but keeps lying about small shit which frustrates the hell out of me. He says he lies to try to keep the peace because I tend to go a little overboard on things when I get upset. I say I understand that but still the truth is always better than a lie. I prefer you to tell me the truth always no matter how much you think its going to upset me. I rather to be upset over it than to be upset because my man lied to me.

This is what happened. Last night Bryant got off of work and we was chilling watching a movie upstairs in the bedroom and his cellphone rings around 10:30..I pause the movie..he answers it. I hear someone talking on the other end but can’t make out who it is, but the expression on his face tells me that he is a little agitated by the call. Usually the only person that calls around that time is the guy he works for to tell him about how the day is set up for tomorrow so at first I kinda think its his boss. The only thing that Bryant said was “No, I’m not” then he hung up. I asked him “Baby who was that?” He responds “oh that was Wes(his boss).” I ‘m nosey ..I ask “you not going to what?” He says “hunh?” I gave him my negro you heard me look and from that moment I knew he lied about who was on the phone and knew what was coming out of his mouth next was going to be a lie. Not to mention he has what I call the “lie look” the same face Rich would make when he would lie to me about something. I can only describe it as a softening of the face, a guilty look, like they are sorry for lying but still spilling the lies out their mouth anyway. If you can’t lie with a straight face don’t lie at all please.

Anyways he says something about Wes wants to know if he was going to have trouble doing some moves tomorrow or whatever. Basically mumbo jumbo..couldn’t even come up with a good lie on demand. So I ask, “Why are you lying?” He doesn’t respond. I mean he gets real quiet. So i get even lounder, “Negro why is you lying?” and then I threw the sweet we was smoking across the room. Don’t you know he had the nerve to express concern about the sweet because it was still lit. At that point I didn’t give a fuck if that lit sweet burned the entire house down. Thats just how I am when someone upsets me and I was soo sure he was lying about some bitch and that THAT would end the relationship tonight. I told him straight up “that was a female…who was it?”

He goes “Ms Peggy?” so I am asking why would you lie about her calling why didn’t you just say it was her instead of lying. He said its because last time she called I got upset which is true I got upset because everytime she calls him its like after 11 pm. I hardly get time to see him because of him being at work and I don’t like our time being interrupted and I don’t understand why she calls him soo late. My mama taught me you do not call someone’s house after a certain time ..its rude..especially if that person is in a relationship. Well anyways Ms.Peggy is like a 50 year old woman who braids his hair. I never met her. I don’t care how old she is though I am just a natural suspicious person and I am always on guard. I let my guard down one time and look you know what happened with that.

Now I am just upset that he lied. He said if I would have told him the truth I would have been upset about her calling and either way it was a no-win situation and he just wanted to continue to watch the movie with no problems. No luck of that. I am a very emotional person so If I get upset rarely can I just continue what I am doing like I am ok. If I am mad everyone is mad. Basically. I admit I did go overboard as usual told him to get out was crying and everything letting him know that it is not okay to lie to me under no circumstances. First he was acting all hard like ok I told you the next time you try to kick me out I am not coming back. When he said that I said whatever and I went in the restroom closed the door sat on the restroom floor and started crying. He came in there we talked and he tried to reason with me about why I should not make a decision when I am upset. He told me he understands that I am just scared of getting hurt again but he is not going to hurt me and he is the one to make me happy. I just got up and went in the bedroom. We ended up having sex I can’t turn it down lol..I am such a nympho. I am still a little upset about the situation but right now I am deciding to let it go. Its nothing serious.

Sooo In Love…

My love for Bryant is growing more and more each day. It seems like the more I fall in love with him though the less I feel like he loves me. No I don’t mean that its just like at first I was fighting it not really wanting to fall in love again because I was scared but I submitted and now I am in love and totally infactuated with my honey like he was with me when we first met. I know he still loves me its just at first he was all into me and fighting hard to get with with me telling me I am beautiful everyday and would stare lovingly in my eyes for minutes at a time. True, he still does all of those great things but just not as much as before. I love the beginning of a relationship when everything is soo new and exciting..over time things seem to settle down after awhile but I don’t want things to change too much. I just can’t seem to get enough of his love now. I am hating that we hardly get to see each other that much now. He gets off soo late and when he gets home he still tries to spend time with me even though he be soo tired ( I appreciate that) but then on the other hand I am like baby you need to get to sleep you have to get up at 6 in the morning. He soo cute..when he gets off he tries to have daquiris with me because thats one of my favorite things to do and watch a movie…but he always ends up falling asleep on the movie and then lying saying he is watching. Thats my baby!!

I still have trust issues though. I try to be all optimistic about the situtation but man will let you down time and time again. I am sorry I can’t just go thru the relationship thinking my man is never gonna cheat on me setting my own self up for disappointment. People say just enjoy the good times while they last and I gotta to remind myself to do just that. Bryant said he could never cheat on me because he cares about my feelings and doesn’t want to hurt me, but how many times have we heard that ladies. I also know men will lie to your face like it ain’t nothing knowing all along what they doing behind your back. I just know that me and Bryant could be soo good together and now that my heart is invested in him I really do not want to lose him and he says that he knows what he has and doesn’t want to lose me either. Awwww!!!…lol …yeah

**Update**

Wow I am having to dust the cobwebs from this blog again. I have thought about you a couple of times just haven’t had the time to write in you. Just updating me and Rich are still over, I answer that because everyone that hasn’t talked to me in awhile wants to know the answer to that I guess to know if I fell backwards or whatever. Nope I actually haven’t even been thinking about him much. The last I heard he sent me a Easter card and I called him just to thank him. I may not be thinking of him much because of…..

BJ ..yes we are still together. He finally convinced me to let him move in and everything. He’s been working paying his share of the rent, cable ( he got that turned on for me and I have never had cable), groceries..etc. I love him soo much. He is soo thoughtful, considerate, loving, helpful, attentive …I mean I thought that they only made guys like him in romance novels and love movies. He is wonderful.  Sex is still great.

Me and my aunt are still not speaking over that stupid ass bullshit I wrote about here. Still love her and think about her. I speak to my father occasionally and he is still promising to come see me and never shows up. My cousins “d” and “lee” got myspace pages now so we keep in contact now and supposed to be setting up a time to meet up soon.

So everything for the most part is going A-ok. I promise to check back more often.

I Get So Weak..Sunday edition

Sunday

On Saturday, Bj left to get his hair braided from a woman that lives down the street from me and when he made it back we pretty much lazed around the house the whole day. He bought some “green” from one of the guys that was there getting his hair braided as well so we pretty much spent the whole day Saturday and Sunday getting blazed. It was kinda bunk though. We usually get “the green” from Southpark but to avoid travelling that far and because we’ve been looking for a connection on my side of town we went ahead with this guy. I was just buzzing it didn’t really get me like I like to feel.

Sunday we must have had sex at least 3 times before Bj left. My pussy is a little sore but satisfied. It’s like I can feel ole girl smiling down there LOL. I am kind of upset with myself that I got soo weak minded and couldn’t stick by what I said but I am only human. I guess because the past few weeks have been kinda lonely for me and when he started kissing on my neck it became hard for me to say no.

Bj got up to leave around 7 and I walked him to the door. Usually he is the one that asks me if he could stay another night but he didn’t and before he walked out I was surprised that I ended up asking him if he would stay. He paused for a long time before answering yes and I guess I got upset that he took soo long to answer that I was like thats okay just go ahead and go.

Right now my head and feelings are real discombobulated. I don’t know whether I should just leave Bj alone since obviously we can’t be friends. I mean we could but that would be really hard for me because I have feelings for him *sigh*. I don’t know what to do.

I blame it on the dick that has my head screwed up right now. When I think about me and Bj that old SWV song comes to my mind. “I get soo weak in the knees. I can hardly speak. I lose all control and …….”

All them girls could sing hunh?

Until Next Time…

Chriss

I Get Sooo Weak….Saturday edition

Saturday

I caved in and spent this past weekend with BJ. I was like we are going to try this friend thing and see how it goes. Before BJ came over I asked him straight up what was his attentions when he gets to my house and he told me that he wanted to see me and spend time with me but was also hoping that we would have sex too. Hummph!

So he came over Saturday and at first I was being strong he was being strong. We was chilling, talking, and catching up with each other. He hugged me a little too long when he first came in. While I was in the kitchen he came up behind me to give me another hug and I felt a little no a bigggg something but we were doing good.

And then….we put on a porno. Why oh Why? I mean WHYYYYY?? That was the end of it. I can’t even remember how we were even to just break out this damn flick, but yea I think he said something and then I told him about this flick I found online (I love porn!) that goes hard and I asked him if he wanted to watch it (I do it to myself everytime dont I ) . I found the clip saved to my desktop and put it on for him and the sexual tension was soo thick you could cut it with a knife…and after a few minutes of watching it he goes “Damn I’m horny.”This man gone ask me if he could jack off in front of me (I like to watch!) and my answer was “friends don’t do that.” That was my answer to everything almost that whole day when he asked me something I wasn’t comfortable with …”friends dont do that.” And from there after we finished watching the one saved on my computer, he just happened to have one in his cd case that he wanted to show me.

This was the beginning of our show me yours and I’ll show you mine contest I guess. So we went upstairs to my room and he wants to show me his chest. He works out a lot so he says he has gotten bigger since the last time I saw him ( like its really been that long). I say thats okay and he actually gets mad that I don’t want to see his chest LOL. He tells me that he is going to show it anyway but when he lifted his shirt I turned my head LOL. Funny. It’ s like as soon as he got inside the house he started talking real big about how much better he has gotten since we were last together and all this jazz trying to get me to take the bait but I wasn’t biting. Like I said in a previous post, Getting Intimate With BJ, the sex has always been fantabulous with BJ but the last couple of times we did it was not the mindblowing sex I was used to with him. He was having some dingaling issues. So all that day he kept telling me “I’m back!” LOL….

He put the dvd in and I layed across the bed and he sat on the edge of the bed so I put my head on his lap. I was soo horny just from being near him. He looks at me and goes “Damn I’m horny” I say “You always horny” and we go back to watching the dvd. After a moment he asked me if I mind if he jacked off in front of me. He was really wearing me down, but I just shook my head. This negro gonna then ask me if I would leave the room. I just gave him MY LOOK but I pretended to get up off the bed to leave and he pulled me back down. Playing all these games when the inevitable was sure to show up, right.

So I am chilling watching this flick and I see BJ get up and straddle my ass and starts kissing my neck and I close my eyes and ahhh its been awhile. It felt soo good. He is very good with his mouth. I can feel him rubbing his dick behind me and its turning me on more while he is kissing down my neck..then down my back..and then plants a kiss on my ass. Oh-My- God. Could this be heaven?

He turns me around on my back and kisses my breast giving each one equal attention and paying close attention to the nipples. He sucks ‘em just like I like them. I trail my fingers across his cheek to his ears then tangle my fingers inside of his hair as he kisses his way down my body. He licks his way down my stomach to my navel and sticks his tongue deep inside of my navel. He unbuttons my pants then unzips my pants and slides them down my body -his mouth never leaving my body still kissing his way down until he gets to my pussy. He slides his one finger inside my wet pussy then two and I moan. He pulls my pussy lips apart and starts to softly lick on my pearl tongue then he applies more pressure and ahhh it feels soo damn good. I got my fingers in his hair and grinding my pussy into his face as I watch him rub his dick. Then I come…..

He slides his hard dick inside my wet pussy. When his dick first goes in it feels indescribable. Kinda like a dive in the ocean on a beautiful sunny day when your body hits that water. Yea like that. So he’s moving. It feels perfect. My pussy has a good tight grip on his dick and he’s moaning and I am moaning and were grinding and just when I am about to come he finishes. Oh talk about mad. I was. “Nigger what? I c ain’t nothing changed ” I say. LOL. He goes damn its because you feel soo good and you soo tight and wet. Damn its just something about your pussy. LOL.

I’m not really mad because either way I did come and I enjoyed it while it lasted.

How Could I Forget To Mention??

BJ called me on my birthday. When I was at work yesterday, I received a call from “private” and I don’t usually answer private phone calls but I picked the phone up without thinking. Then I heard his voice. I got real quiet. 1. I was happy to hear from him. 2. I was still upset with him about what he did. You know we really had not had a chance to talk at all about everything that had went on and about him stop calling. The only information I had was the information that he had left on my voicemail from the times I had missed his phone calls.

I was real cordial towards him. I didn’t get upset and yell at him. I thanked him for calling on my birthday and told him I was surprised that he remembered (damn shame my ex could not even call me on my birthday). We spoke a little bit. Yes, he and the girl he is staying with hooked up. (Uhhhhhh!!! Thats crazy. I knew it. I dont care what anyone says men and women cannot be just friends.) It just happened supposedly. He didn’t want to tell me about it because he did not want to be made to feel like a dog. He said he wishes  now that he could have been more patient with me. He knew that I would not be okay with continuing seeing him while he was living with this girl and having relations (my word) so he thought it would be easier to just stop calling. He says that he still cares about me and he is basically using this girl for a place to lay his head until he gets on his feet ( THAT I have a problem with ..if you can use her you can use me as well and I am not about to be used again by anyone.  I don’t use anyone and I dislike people that do it to other people.) You know my mind starts swirling and thinking the worst like he probably stopped calling because he found out that he could not use me so therefore he had no use for me. Damn shame. I mean he was good company.

BJ says he still wants to see me sometimes just to spend time with me and nothing else (yeah right).  I mean I am upset and then I am not upset. I am upset because I really liked  him and I felt good when I was around him. I met BJ when I just broke it off with my ex so I told him from the get go I wasn’t ready for anything serious and I told him to see other people even though he said he didn’t want to. Everything would probably be okay if he wasn’t staying with this girl. To me, thats what makes everything different. I mean you let ya’lls friendship lead into something more when you had sex so regardless of what type of relationship you guys claim ( because supposedly she told him to see other people too) thats a little too weird for me to be caught up in a love triangle or a sex triangle (or whutever). If he was seeing someone else that he told me he wasn’t just friends with and he wasn’t staying with her I think I would be okay with it. I don’t know.

I would love to remain friends with BJ but if I invite BJ over and we watch a movie or whatnot because of our history together…. other things would happen. I know me.

Another one bites the dust……

Chriss

Missed Again

 Saturday I spent some time with my niece for the first time in forever. I took her to Rodeo In The Park at Kelsey Seybold, The Children’s Museum, and the movies because she hadn’t seen Dreamgirls. We had fun While we were out I missed Bj call. Its funny because I was really looking forward to his call and I missed it again. The thing is I have Sprint and my cell rings when it wants to. I really hate Sprint service and a lot of people be thinking i be igging them but its not me its the phone. I actually had it out with a guy I was talking to a couple of months ago because he said my phone was ringing and I never would answer and he had called me several times. The thing is my phone never rang and he did not believe me.  I didn’t even know anyone had called until I went to use my phone it said no service, so I turn it off and turn it back on, and after I turn it back on then my phone starts going off like crazy from all the voicemails that was sent to me. Crazy.

But anyways, I missed Bj call and he sent me a message talking about I am ignoring him because I forwarded his call to my voicemail ( I didn’t ..it was the phone) and he guesses I don’t want to talk to him anymore and he apologizes deeply for what I am feeling. Yadda yadda Yaaa. I was waiting soo long for him to call me and when I missed his call I started thinking maybe that was for the best and maybe I should just let him go and move on.

In other news, I started talking back to Rich again. I dont know why and what for. It seems like when I get lonely I tend to fall back on him and he really ain’t no one to be falling back onto. He fools me everytime because he will start off talking to me like he got some sense and then he results back to being immature and pathetic. I love him soo much. I mean I figured out I spent close to 7 years with him and that means a quarter of my life was spent with. Thats a great deal! He concerns me because when I was talking to him he pointed out that he was thinking about just dropping in on me to see me. NO NO. I need to talk to him, because whether we cool or not you don’t just drop in on me at no point in time. I kinda feel sorry for him because he is going on 40 and has never been married . You would think he would look at that and be like what is up with me? I don’t think he knows what love is. He tells me that I never loved him. I mean Stevie Wonder could see that I did love that boy. I mean I loved him more that I loved myself. One day I shall learn.

Well He Ain’t Dead…Yet!

Well it worked. Bj called back yesterday but i missed his call. He left this long drawn out message on my voice mail. It was good to hear his voice and I was happy that he wasn’t in an alley dead somewhere but upset that he actually did stop calling but at least he did call with an explanation…somewhat. I am still lost.

His message:

How you doing? This Bj *uhhhh  long sigh “ahhhhh”* I guess you called me yesterday.  I havent called you because *another long sigh* then  he says “I dont know.” (Greaaaat!!!)

“I want to be with you and I told you that but you know our situation and everything and I dont know. It was just hard for me…… “(to what??..he did not even finish the sentence but he goes on to say..)

“I guess we still gone be friends or whatever. I dont know. (Greaaat!!)

“I dont know what you wanna say so I am just saying hey how you doing and I’ll call you later on to discuss whatever it is you want to discuss”

(Okay then he continues)

“But I been worried about you and thinking about you everyday. For real…but I don’t know cause I want somebody in my life because I’ve been lonely and I don’t know I guess you probably been lonely .I guess thats the reason why you called yesterday, but I thought it was just gonna be easier just to you know do it like I did it.”

“My feelings are real confused. I don’t think I could stop you know and just be friends or whatever. You know that I live with that girl and I know you probably don’t like that but I just want to be with somebody.” ( I am confused on this part. I mean is he trying to say him and his friend hooked up or whatever)

Men can cause sooo much pain sometimes.  But its whatever. I am just upset that he was just gonna stop calling and not tell me anything.

Alert The Police

Do I need to file a missing person report? I am still missing BJ. I got it bad. Embarrassingly I called the County Jail as well as the City Jail to see if the boy had gotten locked up or sumthin. I guess I just don’t want to believe that he would just stop calling me like that. That blows my mind. Woooooo….When I found out that he was not in either I then started thinking worse like maybe he’s in the hospital so I called the county hospital and when I found out that he wasn’t there I did a search online to find out how can I find out if a person was submitted to a morgue. Like maybe I need to go identify his body or what not. Yes. I . Did. think. that. Then I decided to chill. Face the facts he stopped calling, but could I blame him I told him to do that anyway *looking sheepish* I been telling him that we should stop seeing each other because I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere. I guess he finally listened and maybe its all for the best.

I wanted to call his friend soo bad to find out if she had heard from him but I know how females are when another female call their phone. I dont know her like that. So I called but then hung up before she answered . She called back and I then turned my phone off. I am sure she will tell him that I called and if he is still living he will call back and then I can curse him out .

Vanished

I haven’t heard from BJ since Wednesday. Its like the boy has vanished in thin air. I am worried about him. I just hope that he’s okay. He didn’t come to me as the type to just stop calling. Last I heard from him was on Wednesday night he said he was having a little difficult and he would call me on Thursday and he never called back. I thought about calling his friends to see what the deal was but I don’t really know them well enough like that and plus just because I said he doesn’t seem like the type to stop calling doesn’t mean he didnt. I don’t put anything past no man anymore, but I still don’t think that’s the case with him. He’s a very straight up guy and he always lets me know what the business is. I will put him my prayers wherever he might be. I miss him.

We Made Up

Me and my aunt that is ….NOT me and the ex!!!! LOL. I called her this week and she was like she hadn’t called because she erased the voicemail that I had sent her giving her my new number and she was waiting for me to call. I don’t believe that for one minute but I didnt tell her that. I knew her girlfriend had something to do with her not calling me but I let it go….for one yesterday she told me how her gf be trying to point out some things about our family to make her see that we don’t love her. She tells my aunt that she is the one always calling us and we don’t call her so I think she had my aunt waiting around to see if I was gonna call. I don’t like games or being played with but I still just let it go. I dont like her girlfriend because I dont like sometimey smile all up in yo face talk about you behind yo back folk and most of my family is like that which is why I stay to myself but I love my aunt to death. My aunt told me that her gf wanted to throw a superbowl party at my aunt house and invite all her co-workers and family but didn’t want my aunt to invite any of our family to her own house . What the fcuk is that?? I told my aunt the reason I don’t really want to chill with ya’ll is because I know she is like that and I don’t need her smiling all up in my face knowing she don’t like me. My aunt just said you gotta ignore her because she bi-polar and you should know how to deal with bipolar people since Rich was lol …whatever her girlfriend got my ex by about a million hands down.

In other news I still haven’t called Rich but he did leave me a message on my other phone, the one thats broke, saying “God led him to call me” and “God wanted me to see how you were doing” LOL..that dude has issues. He has soo much pride and for what?? That pride is what got in the way a lot of times because he always gotta be big and bad with me..if I am your girl you shouldn’t have to be like that with me ..be like that with them negros on the street but not your woman. Anyway I fear he is not going to get it together in time. He definitely IS gonna realize one day what he had and that this “sideline ho” don’t really love him like I did then its gonna be tooo late toooo late. When he is ready to be the man I want him to be I will have moved on by then because he is just not getting it. Its not all about him. I was your Queen.

I am really feeling Monica new cd The Makings Of Me

I Made The Decision

I spent this past weekend with BJ and I told him that I don’t think it was a good idea for us to see each other anymore until he finds employment. That was hard for me to do because I really like him and all and enjoy his company but I can’t go down this same road again. I gotta learn from my mistakes and I found myself not wanting to be around BJ because I felt like I was being stupid dumping one non-worker for another one. Haven’t I learned anything? At first, I was saying we could be friends because just getting out of a relationship I didnt want to jump into anything too serious anyway. I didnt see how I could deny friendship with someone just because they’re not working but I thought about it and thought yea I say we friends but he wants more and so do I . When we are together we don’t act as friends we act as if we are in a relationship so before I allowed it to go any further I cut it off until…..

I spoke to my landlord today and expressed my concerns about being able to stay another year and having to pay more. My lease isnt up until the end of February but I wanted to know if I should start looking for a new place or not. I haven’t saved up any moving expenses because I wasn’t planning on moving. She told me that she would just re-new my lease this month and have it expire next year so that way I dont have to worry about this new person and what their plans are. She was supposed to come by today with the new lease but I guess she couldn’t so she will probably come tomorrow..if not I will call her. As for my deposit, she stated I would get the deposit back from the new landlord. I was like they better not be taking nothing out of my deposit when I move because they dont even know the condition my place was in when I first moved in and it wasnt to great. Me and my ex fixed the place up ourselves because we liked it. We had to clean it and paint and put new bathroom tile down. But que sera sera.

I am starting to miss Rich (the ex) less. I just simply take my mind off of him and it helps that I changed my cell phone number. I kept my other line the same but I don’t use that line it goes straight to voicemail so if he really wanted to get in contact with me he could leave a message, but me changing my number seems to have stopped me from calling him. So I am proud of myself.

*****Update*****

Wow. I have not visited this site in such awhile. Well my life has done a complete 360. I am no longer with R.M. as unbelievable as it sounds. I really don’t feel like going through all the details but in a nutshell lack of open communication, trust issues, and lack of respect was apart of our demise. I really never pictured my life without him but to be honest my mind is soo free and open and I can see soo clearly now. Like that song “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone” yes …..yes..He still calls me occasionally and I broke down and called him a couple of times. But we really don’t have good communication so we always start arguing and calling each other out of each other names and everytime I question whether or not we made the wrong decision seems like I only need to give him a call and my question is anwered. Hell To The Naw..leave everything where its at. I gave him close to 7 years of my life. I need to cut off all communication with him really because he is someone that is capable of f’ing up my whole day and I shouldnt let anyone do that. Besides he still chilling with his “chick on the side” so what the hell he calling me for. You not going to have your cake and eat it too with me and I am not about to be your fall back girl.

 

In other news, me and my Aunt Pat have gotten closer now. I talk to her every other day and see her every weekend. I haven’t really found anyone yet. On one hand I want to be in a relationship and on the other I think I should just be chilling right now. So I am just talking. I met a few dudes that have tried to rush me into some thangs and thats not what I wanted. They wasnt right for me. Of course its good that I experienced what I did with R.M. with the living together and all because its an experience that I will learn from and God will bless me for it. There is no way I can say I didnt do all that I could do for that relationship no matter what R.M. says and how he tries to make me feel because I was there for him soo much through him not having a job, a place to stay, monetarily, whatever he wanted I basically gave him and he was there for me as well but not fully like I needed him to be. It will be alot that I will miss about him but if the trust is not there and I mean we have NOOOO good communication at all…so what can I say. I finally “let it go”

 

The Thrill Is Gone,Baby

Is it? Hell to the naw. It ain’t gonna ever go away . I love me some him. But I remember once upon a time ago I was sooo into RM that you could not get me to look at another guy no matter how fine he was and any guy that tried to holla at me I would wrinkle my nose up so fast and tell him “I am married!” without even a promise of friendship on my finger. And of course the infamous “Are you happy?” …….”Yessir!” Even when RM would get on my last nerve I was happy and would do anything for him. I don’t know why but for a long period of time other guys stopped being attractive to me and I was blind to them. Sounds strange but I just stop noticing them . But………..

Now my head is a turning. Does it mean I am falling out of love? Does it mean that I don’t love RM the way that I used to? I never cheated on RM and don’t plan too. Thats just not my style. One guy is hard enough to manage. But yesterday, when I got off work, I got my head turned ya’ll… and by one of the finest human beings known to mankind . Naw he wasn’t ALL THAT but he was enough to get my attention. Thats for sure. He had me feeling giddy inside everytime them pretty gray eyes landed on me. This guy works in my building and I first noticed him on the way walking out the building after work . He held the door open as we were leaving (who said chivalry was dead?) and he walked most of the way with me to my stop. Now you know I walk slow as molassess however his pace of walk matched mine perfectly and he did not walk ahead nor did he fall behind. I thought this was strange that he was walking with me, so close to me, and I didn’t know him. Finally he marched ahead only to be met by me again at my stop. I thought I felt his eyes on me however every time I would look at him he would quickly turn away. He went a different route (the 25…) and as he got on his bus and made to his seat , he looked at me with those big beautiful gray eyes and long eyelashes and waved at me and smiled with a wink…hehehe. Alright there now…but why wait til ya get on the bus to speak?

I mean the guy wasnt even my type. I like the Morris Chestnut, R.Kelly, DMX, and Jaheims. This guy was a Genuwine pretty boy for sure with a cute butt. He was stocky. Everybody knows that I like ‘em short and thin. My man is only a buck-fifty. But this mystery guy turned my head. I even found myself looking for him today and was upset that I didn’t see him and I was looking all cute and thangs tooo. I LOVE RM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But was does this mean? Stay far far away from Mr. Genuwine.

My Baby Is Gone (WAAAAAAAH!)

RM is gone for the weekend…..I am soo not used to being here alone <smh>but I am okay when its just me here by myself during the day however when night falls I get kinda lonely sleeping in that big king size bed upstairs. Every noise being a potential burglar. For right now, I am enjoying the peace, the quietness, the stillness, the freedom of just doing whatever it is that I want which I do anyway however without having RM bug me every five minutes or soo about something or other. I really do miss my Babe though. He went back to his home town PA (home of dem boys BunB and PimpC (yo he Freee!!)) because his cousin died the week before last (swallowed some drugs while running from the popo’s..Bummer) . Babe did not take it that easy with Rick and he being kinda close and all. I hadnt had the chance to meet this cousin.

 

RM and I had a really great convo lastnight. Sad to say I am hardly ever able to talk seriously with him without him getting upset and yes he did get upset last night too but the talk started out nice. You know RM and I have been together for 6 years and I think its time for us to decide whether we are going to make it official–make it right –or go on about our business and part ways. RM brought up the fact that he needs to take a break for him to decide what he really wants…thats how the convo really got started. I think this stemmed from the night before last when I brought up to him that I could sense he was unhappy with the way things going and about me letting him go. I made a post earlier this week with a poem I found online with how I feel about the situation you can find here —–> Poem<—–. Lately, he has been looking down and depressed(more than usual) as if he is not satisfied with the way that his life is going, and because he is unhappy in a way it has made me unhappy as well. In a way I feel that we should take a break and re-group. We are very co-dependent on each other and both of us are enablers. We are very similar in a lot of ways. I know that RM is not happy and neither am I if I am honest with my self. I concentrate on the fact that I could be happy if …..(long list of things here..if RM was happy, if RM would just do this or that, but the bottom line is he don’t.) and I also concentrate on the good a lot instead of the bad …..(RM is soo romantic, he helps me out around the house, we spend tons of quality time together) not saying the fact that I don’t concentrate on the bad is not a good thing but…

 

As for going back to the enabler part..I dont think RM is going to reach his full potential being with me and in a way I feel like I am holding him back and he is holding me back as well. For instance, if I wasnt in this relationship more than likely I would be in school. If RM wasn’t in this relationship he might find a better job instead of depending on me. I am confused because I think in another time him and I would be soo right for each other however we have soo many things working against us right now and its hard to LET GO. He made a good point last night which I agree with. Right now would be a good time to seperate seeing how we managed to avoid having kids which would have just confused the situation even more. Thank God for small miracles. Better that we go ahead and do this before we continue. I dont want to be married to a man that still doesnt know whether or not he wants to be with me and confused and wondering whether or not the grass is greener in Atlanta or New York LOL. I upset him because he thought I was gonna get soo upset with him suggesting he take a break and I wasn’t. He asked “why are you soo okay with this?” Well mainly because its something that I have been thinking about too and we have discussed this soo many times throughout the years and neither of us have gotten serious about seperating. I am getting older and I want a family. He also got upset on the fact that I told him that I am not going to put my life on hold either. He is soo interested and affected about the fact that I would be dating and getting it on with someone else LOL. I mean I am just more realistic you mean to tell me we take a break you are not going to talking to anyone else?? Yea Right! I told him not saying that I will be out there actively looking for someone however if God sends someone my way I am not going to turn away my blessing because you don’t know what you want. When we break that means you take the chance of losing me. HE DIDNT LIKE THAT, YA’LL. LOL I have a feeling that this is all talk and smoke and mirrors but we can’t just keep letting years pass us by. At first it was ok because I was not interested in getting married and was young and still am, but now Its like when women get a certain age most start yearning for a baby. Everyone bringing their little ones to the job to show them off makes me wanna be next in line.