Archive for the 'Dad' Category

08
Jul
08

Hi, I’m Christina, and I am a Snob

HI, CHRISTINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

I called my Aunt today. I don’t know. I kind of missed the old gal. I read a quote the other day about life being bland or other and people add the flavor. I believe at age 26 and after oh soo many loss of loved ones I do get it. I used to be like “oh I got my man (but where is his ass now?) and I don’t need them” or “Oh them people don’t even much care about me, they don’t even call me” “They just happy to be rid of me”. Maybe its all me. Maybe that isn’t what it is. I don’t know but I guess it isn’t right for me to just sit around expecting people to call me and to go out of their way to be apart of my life and to show me they care. I am not used to it, but I am going to have to make more of an effort too if I want to stay in contact since these people got this idea in their head that I want to be left alone. Baby steps.

But anyways I call her. She didn’t answer at first, but she called me back after about 30 minutes. We started talking and gossiping like old times. I shared with her the fact that man I feel soo alone in this world sometimes and basically she said to me I seem like I don’t like people. That hurt. It is true that I have never been much of a people person. I am quiet and to myself most of the time but I never want to give off the vibe, especially to my family, that I don’t like them. She was like yea you seem kind of snobbish and act sometimes like you don’t want to be bothered. Man I have been hearing this shit since I was a kid. I have been called a bitch and stuck-up all throughout my childhood. However to me it is just a presumption some people make before they get to know me. I don’t think I am better than anyone. I just come across that way to some people.

Wait a minute. I did a yahoo search on the word snob and came up with this:

How To Prevent Acting Snobbish

Sometimes people act snobbish because they really are snobbish, while others just seem to come across as a snob without intending too. Whether you really are snobbish at heart or not, follow these steps to prevent yourself from acting snobbish.

Ok so lemme read on and see if I am really a snob or if I just come across that way??? I mean I wanna know now.

Step1

  • Understand that most people view a snob as someone who thinks that they are better than most other people are. Sometimes this reflects the person’s background, such as how their parents raised them or their financial status. On the other hand, a snob might think they are smarter intellectually than others are.

Now, I definitely don’t think I am better than anyone. Honestly. I am pretty great but I know there are people somewhere in this world ( I mean its quite funny I haven’t come across them tho..just kidding) that look better than me and are way better off than I am . However I admit my attitude does say differently sometimes. I do carry myself in a way that could be considered having my nose in the air but thats just my swagger. Sorry you don’t like it but It’s all an act. Its hard for me to just relax and be myself around people unless I really really know you and am comfortable around you. Soooo wow I am really getting to know myself right now and trying to be my own psychiatrist. LOL, but I guess my psychiatrist would say that the way I carry myself is just me hiding behind my own insecurities and where some people you see carry themselves with confidence mine just comes across as being arrogant instead of confident all because I don’t smile with it. I think thats it. Its all because 1. I’m quiet. 2. I am too much off to myself. 3. I have a hard time smiling. 4. I am not friendly. And if I carried myself the same way I do now and talked more to people, wasn’t soo much to myself, and smile more and befriended them my snobbishness would then be viewed as a confidenct butterfly. To sum this all up I should smile more I guess and adjust my attitude.

I also think this is really also just something else that I inherited from my father’s side(I get all my bad traits from him). I have heard comments from my mom’s side of the family that his family are a little stuck up. Also when I look at my niece who is my brother’s child I see parts of myself in her. She is 11 and her mother has said people see her sometimes as thinking she is all that when she really is a sweetie pie. I do see it tho. Its just the way she carries herself. She walks tall with her head held high but like me she doesn’t have a smiley disposition so she always looks bored. When I take her out I am always looking at her to make sure she is entertained and if she is having fun it doesn’t really show on her face. So I always ask “D you ok?” She tells me “I am fine. I am having fun.” I try to smile more but It is soo hard. I have to always have my mind on smiling for me to just look like that. And I am sorry but life is moving too fast for me to just always be self consciously thinking about smiling. Too much work. I smile and then a few seconds later I am right back to my regular ole mean mugging bored as hell look.

Step2

  • Remember that you should accept other people for who they are. The world would be a very boring place if everyone was the same. People are different and that’s what makes them who they are.

I do accept people for who they are thats why I don’t understand why people don’t just accept me for who I am …NEXT!

Step3

  • Respect everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean that you have to be their best friend, but say “hello,” smile and be friendly. Show a genuine interest in other people and show concern for issues that they may be dealing with. Have concern for people’s feelings.

I could use a little work on this but if anyone goes out of their way to talk to me I do smile and greet them with a warm hello. I do show concern for peoples issues. I am sometimes blunt and direct so I could do a little better about having concern for their feelings but thats just me.

Step4

  • Look at yourself. Decide what makes you come off as a snob. Maybe you are so busy and thinking about your life, you don’t smile at people. This would make you look like a snob. On the other hand, maybe you grew up as a very popular person, and began to think subconsciously you were better than some people were.

The highlighted part is definitely me and my bf has told me that I look soo serious sometimes kinda like I wanna kill someone. I am such a serious person and I am an Aquarius remember so we smart, always thinking and creating new ideas so I don’t really have time to think about a smile and guess thats what it is all boiling down too. A smile. My Aunt even said I should smile more. Damn my father and his bad traits giving me his unsmiling grouchy face look.

Step5

  • Be outgoing when you are around other people. Be talkative and initiate conversations with people. Sometimes being shy and quiet can make people mistakenly think that you are actually being snobbish.

And this will never be me. I have come out of my shell a lot since school days but I have never been the talkative type. I am me. Its funny how this article says to accept people for who they are but I have to change me.

But to sum it all up yes I will try to smile more been trying to do this for years tho. To my aunt No I am not a snobb . I may have snobbish ways but if you take to time to get to know me and look past the exterior you may like what you see.

-The Farthest I Can Please You Is To Just Be Me. I Stay True And Say How I Feel .. And Thats Really Too Bad If You Don’t Like My Swag..

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06
Jul
08

Lonely


I am an Aquarius so I am always thinking thinking thinking which tends to cause problems for me because I get really depressed when I think and am faced with MY REALITY. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Like woe is me…nobody loves me…but after feeling that way and having a good cry about it I always somehow feel better.

I usually avoid this by trying to not think about the fact that I am lonely but when I think about it and I go over all that I have went thru and what I am left with I get depressed. I try to be optimistic about the situation like “oh God is blessing me to have a steady job and survive and be able to pay bills” but life is about more than just that isnt it.

When I overthink things too it causes problems for me and my bf because I push him away. I become afraid of someone else in this world leaving me yet again that I try to push him away before he leaves. I just don’t think that I could suffer thru it anymore. He always tries to convince me of how much he really loves me and he shoudn’t have to do that. One day I am going to push him away and he will be gone forever. Its happened almost twice already that I ran him off but he came back. My ex did this to me so I should know how it feels to be pushed away. I put up with it for close to 7 years and now I am treating my bf like this when he is a good person and doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be happy which is why he shouldn’t be with me.

I do depend on my bf too much for my own happiness and I am afraid of that. He brings me soo much happiness and makes me forget all about my loneliness that if we break up I wouldn’t die but I would want to. I took a big lost when my father died in Sept and when me and my aunt fell out yet again because those two where the only ones that I felt who cared about me because they called and checked up on me a lot.

Lately I have been thinking, and yes my crazy self did tell my boyfriend this If he decided to one day kill me no one would miss me? No on in my family calls to check on me. I don’t have any friends. Lord my body could lay up in this house for at least a year and no one would even know it.

I mean what is it about me. God doesn’t give you too much to handle they say and I am able to handle it but why should I have to. I dealt with my mothers death, my brother’s death, me and my ex breaking up, my fathers death, me and my aunt no longer talking and having no friends.

When I went to my cousin’s wedding, I was embraced and I felt like I was apart of the family. People I haven’t seen in years was hugging me and looking at me strangely making it seem like I am the one being the outsider. They only know what they are told and that isn’t the case. They make it seem like I am the one that doesn’t want to come around. The only way I feel they should be able to say that is if they were actually making an effort too and I was not responding to their effort. No one calls me and no one invites me over on holidays and I think that is really shitty to be honest because they know that I don’t have any family so the nice thing to do would be to invite me at least. Thats what a family is supposed to do. Instead they leave me out and just go on about their business acting like “oh Chris just want to be by herself and she doesn’t want to come around us or whatever so forget about her.” At least thats what it seems like how they are acting.

I have always been kind of quiet and to myself so its hard for me to take the initiative but why is it soo hard for them to embrace me. On Independence day I pointed all this out to my bf he was like why don’t you call them. Why should I have to? He mentioned before that they were the big group so some shit about me having to go to the group instead of them coming to me. Umm okay so If I dont go to the group as you say they just leave me out. Why should I even care? I used to not care but like I said things have been difficult for me since I lost my father.

I been taking a long look at myself like what is about me that makes people not want to embrace me. As a child I was spoiled and I got all the attention. Everyone loved me. I had more friends in elementary school than I ever did. My house was the place to be. All that changed around the age of 11. I know I am not the friendly type but alot of people are not friendly and have alot of friends. Why can’t people accept me. I am not a bad person.

I love writing in this blog it’s soo therapeutic. I want to write more often but I am lazy. But yea even with this blog I have what 2 readers. I may have more but they don’t comment. I am thinking about just making it my own private blog since no one reads it anyway.

Maybe I should start a family of my own. I sound like one of them kids off of talk shows wanting to have a baby so that I could have someone to love me but no I want to have a baby to replace the family that I don’t have. I told the boyfriend I wish I could have 10 kids. If I had the money I would adopt all of the unloved kids in the world that have lost their family or have been thrown away and made to feel unwanted.

For those of you that have a loving family be happy about that. If you have an overprotective mother relish that. Don’t take that for granted please. You never know what you have until its gone.

Love Is…

Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life.”

–Deepak Chopra in Ageless Body, Timeless Mind

09
Mar
08

My daddy (my first love)

I have been meaning to write this post for awhile now. I had been putting it off and putting it off. I am gonna try to make it short and sweet because I don’t like to dwell on this. It hurts too much still.

What made me write this post today is I had clicked on this yahoo video link that said father and daughters dance too close…..It turned out to be about a father and daughter dance competition. It looked a lot like the dancing they do in Dancing With The Stars and yes they were dancing too close LOL but after that video went off a video about Patrick Swayze having pancreatic cancer came on and I nearly cried. I love love love Patrick Swayze. Its funny because yesterday I wanted to write a post about all of my celebrity crushes and post pictures and yes Patrick was going to be on that list. I could not write that post yet because I wanted to get this one out the way. The reason why the Patrick Swayze video made me wanna write this post is my father passed away from Pancreatic/Liver Cancer this past September.

In July, I found out my father was in the hospital. He called me one day from LBJ hospital while I was working, and told me he had been in the hospital all week. I asked him why he hadn’t called me sooner. My guess is he didn’t wanna worry me. He said the guy in the room with him, a patient, had nudged him to call. I was like you should have wanted to call me. He had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. He was having some trouble breathing which is what forced him to go to the doctor and get a check up. They ended up sending him home and putting him on medication to stabilize it. I thought it was not a big deal really. Truth is the majority of my family has high blood pressure and is taking medication to control it, so I sadly was not that concerned. Hell I am 26 and found out year before at the health fare at my job that I am “borderline” and need to keep getting myself checked.

While my father was in the hospital in July, I did manage to go take the very long bus ride to see him however (we live on opposite sides of the city and I had no transportation at the time) before he got released. It really surprised me on how much weight he had lost from the last time I had seen him. My father has always been a small man so he really did not need to be losing more weight. But this was not the first time I had noticed my father had lost weight. He had been slowly dropping weight I guess for a year before he passed. Each time he came out to see me at my home, I would comment to him “Dad, you are losing weight…… Are you eating anything?” and he would say “Yea Chris I been eating” and I would always see the worry around his eyes when I would comment about it but I would just ignore it. I thought he was out partying and drinking and not taking the time to eat which he probably was and I would worry but try to put it out of my mind. And if he was sick, I knew my dad was not going to no doctor. My hate of doctors, from my dad I did receive. Every time I would see my dad he’d say to me “Chris, make sure you take care of yourself girl. We all each other got now. Your mom and your brother not here now. If you sick, go to the doctor.” And I would say right back ” I am . You too, Dad. Take care of yourself too” Too bad he didn’t listen to his own advice and too bad I didn’t nudge him more!! I beat myself up now that my father is gone that I didn’t do more. Yes, he is stubborn, I got that from him too, and probably would not have listened anyway but at least I could have insisted he go get a check up or something and maybe they would have saw it…..

I beat myself up over all my family deaths. My mom died of a heart condition. She was overweight so I beat myself up for awhile for not getting on her to eat more healthy and exercise. Never mind I was only 11 at the time she died, slightly overweight myself, and knew nothing about exercise or eating healthy at that time anyway. My older brother died 10 years after she did from a blood clot that traveled to his lung and I beat myself up about that like I should have been closer with him and maybe I would have seen something to know he was sick so that I could have told him to go to the doctor. My aunt had the nerve to blame me in a way to for my brother death because she asked me for his number one time and I wouldn’t give it to her without asking him first because they were not that close anymore. So when he did die she made a comment like me not giving her his number had something to do with his death. My family…My family.

Back to my father…… so of course the weight lost was a sign of his cancer which no telling how long he did have that. In the Patrick Swayze video, a doctor said pancreatic cancer has a 99% mortality rate. My father’s doctor told me that as well. They don’t really know where my father cancer started, but just from how fast it killed him they believe it may have started in his liver or his pancreas, because its very hard to detect, and by the time it is detected its too late because it moves soo fast. It made me feel better to know that most people miss it so I wasn’t the only one to not notice anything but I DID notice something. I noticed the weight lost and if only I had been just a little more vocal I could have spoke up and told him to go see a doctor.

Well I am surprised I am still beating myself up about it. After my father found out about his high blood pressure, I would talk to him on the phone from time to time and he seemed ok. He just seemed to be worried about eating the right foods. I would tell him to basically stay away from pork, salt , and fried foods. He was extremely worried about this and it hurt my heart that I couldn’t do more for him. *Sighs*

In September, I get a call from my father and he tells me that he wants to see me. I am worried I am like why. He sounds horrible on the phone by the way and I can barely understand what he is saying. He couldn’t really tell me what was going on and the people he was staying with could not either. I was working and could not get a day off and had no transportation. Having no transportation is a real bitch in Houston, by the way, if you ever move here. Houston is too big and spaced out to not have transportation. Anyway I spent about a good week worrying and crying to Bryant before I finally was able to call in sick. Bryant (he was wonderful thru all of this) gave me the money to rent a car that same day, I went by Walmart to get my dad a portable cd player he had been asking me for and I was going to take him the Johnny Taylor cds I had made him for his birthday that I never got a chance to get to him.

When I got to his house, he stay with his brother. I walked in and I sat down in the living room. My dad’s brother girlfriend was sitting in the living room and told me that my dad’s two sisters were in his bedroom giving him a bath. That was the first sign that something was off. I was thinking why can’t my father bathe himself? Is he really that sick? I had no idea and alot of questions. I asked the older woman how is he? How is my father? He doing ok? She said naw, I am not going to say that. I am not going to lie to you like that baby girl. Second sign, and I felt my stomach doing somersaults. When I called earlier in the week, I had a chance to speak to one of my father’s nieces that was over visiting and she had told me that he was ok. He was doing good. So that reassured me some but now it looks like things were not good at all.

Finally the door to my dad’s bedroom opened and out my aunts came. I hugged them and went in to see my father. He was nothing but bones. So small and I just wanted to cry. He spoke soo softly that I could barely hear him. I pulled up a chair next to his bed and just held his hand and rubbed his head. He reminded me of a sick little boy I just wanted to hold him. My Aunt came in there and sat down with me and she asked me is there anything that you wanna know? You feel like we have been hiding things from you? I said I just want to know whats going on with my dad. I noticed that his stomach was blowed up and I asked her about it and she said its cancer. My heart dropped. My dad just looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes that looked like mine and I felt soo sorry for him and sorry for myself. My aunt was like we’ll talk before you leave and left out to the room for me to be alone with my dad. I got closer on him and kissed him on the lips and lay down next to him and cried like a baby. He said ” I just gotta get better Chris. We all each other got” .

Before I left I sat in the living room with my Aunt and they told me that he has cancer. One day his feet and his stomach blew up big, they took him to the doctor to get a biopsy and it came back that he had cancer. It had spread and they didn’t tell my father this. They felt he didn’t need to know because he was already worrying soo much.

Not even a week after I seen my father, I got another call from the hospital that my dad had been admitted and it didn’t look good. They wanted to know how soon I could get down there, because his doctor really needed to speak to me. I felt sick. I called my Aunt (the one I had previously fell out with) and told her what was going on. I really needed to talk to someone. I still had the rental car so I flew down the freeway doing 80-90. When I got to the hospital, 3 of my dad sisters were there and his niece. The doctor was asking me all this questions about if my dad was to go into cardiac arrest should they resusitate. They told me how fragile his bones was and that it might lead to them breaking bones if I wanted them to do chest compressions. They tried to lead me to make the right decision which was to let him die because there was nothing they could do for him. They wanted to “make him comfortable” which consisted on giving him medicine for the pain and letting him go. I was in denial and all this did not sound good to me. I wanted him to live. They finally let me see my father before he was taking up to his room and he had an oxygen mask on and was really weak. Oh how I hated to see him like that. My father’s stay there was about a week long before he passed. I took off work for the whole time he was in he hospital. One thing I can say is he was surrounded in love. I was up there everyday from 10 to about 8 or 9 and so was his sisters and nieces. He was never alone except when we left for the night. We had the option to stay the night with him, but I could not bare it. Before he became doped up with morpheine I knew he was aware that I was there. One day I came to visit him and his family was all in the room, I walked in and my father sat straight up and said “Hey, Chris!” and then he layed backed down and didn’t say another word. Weird. I thought that must have took a lot out of him for him to  sit up and acknowledge me but I was glad that he did.

The day my father died. I walked in the room and only one of his sisters was there, she said she was going downstairs to smoke a cigarette. I sat down and noticed that my dad’s breathing was not sounding good. I knew it wouldn’t be long. I just sat there and held his hand and watched him and told him how much I love him. My dad took his last breath and I am happy to say that I was there with him. Just me and him. I love you daddy. You were the best daddy that you could be to me and you spoiled me rotten. I will never forget you…..

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Who I Is?

♥MissChriss♥ I'm just a crazy girl in love . I love being in love. I'm a 26 years old aquarian black female who resides in Houston, Texas. No kids...haven't made up my mind on that one yet however I pray that God will bless me to be able to give birth to healthy beautiful babies one day if I so shall. I love to write, read, cook, shop, fuck, and cater to my man : ) I am a great listener, very supportive, laid back, and loyal. I value honesty above all else. I always say the worst truth is better than the best lie. I am a forgiving person although I admit I forget nothing. I am a lazy procrastinator who gets defensive and wears her heart on her sleeve. I have trust issues. You'll find me blogging about my life, my love life, my work life, and my wants and fears. My goal is to be in school by 2009. What I want to do with my life changes day to day. One moment I want to teach , the next social work, nursing. I am still trying to find me. I am a work in progress. Soo....."Don't Trip, He Ain't Finished With Me Yet!"

Just Me

........AND THE BEST PART OF ALL IS HAVING A MAN THAT KNOWS IT AND LOVES YOU BACK FLAWS AND ALL.

Just Call Me B's Girl And I Wears That Hat Well

I Love Him

I Support Him

And BestFriend Him

a

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Beyonce

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBorn in Houston in the fall of 1981, Beyonce Giselle Knowles started performing at age seven. From dance classes to singing in the church choir, Beyonce was a natural. She and cousin Kelly Rowland met Latavia Roberson during this time, and the trio formed a group with Letoya Luckett. Mathew Knowles, Beyonce's father and Rowland's legal guardian, signed on to be the girls' manager. This situation would ultimately lead to the formation of one of the most popular female R&B groups of all time -- Destiny's Child. Destiny's Child made its debut 1990 and within ten years, the vocal act had experienced personal and political highs and lows that fueled the group's desire to make it big. Destiny's Child sold 33 million albums worldwide by 2002 and earned a slew of Grammys and additional music awards. "Jumpin' Jumpin'," "Bills, Bills, Bills," "Say My Name," and "Survivor" were smash hits, and the group appeared unstoppable. In 2001, Beyoncé, Rowland, and Michelle Williams allowed themselves a break from the singing group and tried their hands at individual solo careers. Before landing several movie roles, Beyoncé became the first African-American female artist and second woman ever to win the annual ASCAP Pop Songwriter of the Year Award. An appearance in the MTV drama Carmen: A Hip Hopera quickly followed, but it was her role as Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers in Goldmember in 2002 that eventually moved Beyoncé from the stage to the screen. Her first single, "Work It Out," coincided with the release of the Mike Myers comedy and cemented her celebrity status. A guest spot on Jay-Z's "'03 Bonnie & Clyde" was equally popular when it appeared in October. In 2003, she rejoined Jay-Z for her proper debut single, the funkadelic "Crazy in Love," as the press and fans christened her a bona fide star. Beyoncé's debut album, Dangerously in Love, which appeared in June 2003, featured collaborations with Sean Paul, Missy Elliott, and OutKast's Big Boi. The multi-platinum album spawned a total of four Top Ten singles. Nearly two years after another Destiny's Child album (Destiny Fulfilled), Beyoncé released her second album, B'day. ~ MacKenzie Wilson, All Music Guide... website statistics