Posts Tagged ‘no family

06
Jul
08

Lonely


I am an Aquarius so I am always thinking thinking thinking which tends to cause problems for me because I get really depressed when I think and am faced with MY REALITY. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Like woe is me…nobody loves me…but after feeling that way and having a good cry about it I always somehow feel better.

I usually avoid this by trying to not think about the fact that I am lonely but when I think about it and I go over all that I have went thru and what I am left with I get depressed. I try to be optimistic about the situation like “oh God is blessing me to have a steady job and survive and be able to pay bills” but life is about more than just that isnt it.

When I overthink things too it causes problems for me and my bf because I push him away. I become afraid of someone else in this world leaving me yet again that I try to push him away before he leaves. I just don’t think that I could suffer thru it anymore. He always tries to convince me of how much he really loves me and he shoudn’t have to do that. One day I am going to push him away and he will be gone forever. Its happened almost twice already that I ran him off but he came back. My ex did this to me so I should know how it feels to be pushed away. I put up with it for close to 7 years and now I am treating my bf like this when he is a good person and doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be happy which is why he shouldn’t be with me.

I do depend on my bf too much for my own happiness and I am afraid of that. He brings me soo much happiness and makes me forget all about my loneliness that if we break up I wouldn’t die but I would want to. I took a big lost when my father died in Sept and when me and my aunt fell out yet again because those two where the only ones that I felt who cared about me because they called and checked up on me a lot.

Lately I have been thinking, and yes my crazy self did tell my boyfriend this If he decided to one day kill me no one would miss me? No on in my family calls to check on me. I don’t have any friends. Lord my body could lay up in this house for at least a year and no one would even know it.

I mean what is it about me. God doesn’t give you too much to handle they say and I am able to handle it but why should I have to. I dealt with my mothers death, my brother’s death, me and my ex breaking up, my fathers death, me and my aunt no longer talking and having no friends.

When I went to my cousin’s wedding, I was embraced and I felt like I was apart of the family. People I haven’t seen in years was hugging me and looking at me strangely making it seem like I am the one being the outsider. They only know what they are told and that isn’t the case. They make it seem like I am the one that doesn’t want to come around. The only way I feel they should be able to say that is if they were actually making an effort too and I was not responding to their effort. No one calls me and no one invites me over on holidays and I think that is really shitty to be honest because they know that I don’t have any family so the nice thing to do would be to invite me at least. Thats what a family is supposed to do. Instead they leave me out and just go on about their business acting like “oh Chris just want to be by herself and she doesn’t want to come around us or whatever so forget about her.” At least thats what it seems like how they are acting.

I have always been kind of quiet and to myself so its hard for me to take the initiative but why is it soo hard for them to embrace me. On Independence day I pointed all this out to my bf he was like why don’t you call them. Why should I have to? He mentioned before that they were the big group so some shit about me having to go to the group instead of them coming to me. Umm okay so If I dont go to the group as you say they just leave me out. Why should I even care? I used to not care but like I said things have been difficult for me since I lost my father.

I been taking a long look at myself like what is about me that makes people not want to embrace me. As a child I was spoiled and I got all the attention. Everyone loved me. I had more friends in elementary school than I ever did. My house was the place to be. All that changed around the age of 11. I know I am not the friendly type but alot of people are not friendly and have alot of friends. Why can’t people accept me. I am not a bad person.

I love writing in this blog it’s soo therapeutic. I want to write more often but I am lazy. But yea even with this blog I have what 2 readers. I may have more but they don’t comment. I am thinking about just making it my own private blog since no one reads it anyway.

Maybe I should start a family of my own. I sound like one of them kids off of talk shows wanting to have a baby so that I could have someone to love me but no I want to have a baby to replace the family that I don’t have. I told the boyfriend I wish I could have 10 kids. If I had the money I would adopt all of the unloved kids in the world that have lost their family or have been thrown away and made to feel unwanted.

For those of you that have a loving family be happy about that. If you have an overprotective mother relish that. Don’t take that for granted please. You never know what you have until its gone.

Love Is…

Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life.”

–Deepak Chopra in Ageless Body, Timeless Mind

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Who I Is?

♥MissChriss♥ I'm just a crazy girl in love . I love being in love. I'm a 26 years old aquarian black female who resides in Houston, Texas. No kids...haven't made up my mind on that one yet however I pray that God will bless me to be able to give birth to healthy beautiful babies one day if I so shall. I love to write, read, cook, shop, fuck, and cater to my man : ) I am a great listener, very supportive, laid back, and loyal. I value honesty above all else. I always say the worst truth is better than the best lie. I am a forgiving person although I admit I forget nothing. I am a lazy procrastinator who gets defensive and wears her heart on her sleeve. I have trust issues. You'll find me blogging about my life, my love life, my work life, and my wants and fears. My goal is to be in school by 2009. What I want to do with my life changes day to day. One moment I want to teach , the next social work, nursing. I am still trying to find me. I am a work in progress. Soo....."Don't Trip, He Ain't Finished With Me Yet!"

Just Me

........AND THE BEST PART OF ALL IS HAVING A MAN THAT KNOWS IT AND LOVES YOU BACK FLAWS AND ALL.

Just Call Me B's Girl And I Wears That Hat Well

I Love Him

I Support Him

And BestFriend Him

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Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBorn in Houston in the fall of 1981, Beyonce Giselle Knowles started performing at age seven. From dance classes to singing in the church choir, Beyonce was a natural. She and cousin Kelly Rowland met Latavia Roberson during this time, and the trio formed a group with Letoya Luckett. Mathew Knowles, Beyonce's father and Rowland's legal guardian, signed on to be the girls' manager. This situation would ultimately lead to the formation of one of the most popular female R&B groups of all time -- Destiny's Child. Destiny's Child made its debut 1990 and within ten years, the vocal act had experienced personal and political highs and lows that fueled the group's desire to make it big. Destiny's Child sold 33 million albums worldwide by 2002 and earned a slew of Grammys and additional music awards. "Jumpin' Jumpin'," "Bills, Bills, Bills," "Say My Name," and "Survivor" were smash hits, and the group appeared unstoppable. In 2001, Beyoncé, Rowland, and Michelle Williams allowed themselves a break from the singing group and tried their hands at individual solo careers. Before landing several movie roles, Beyoncé became the first African-American female artist and second woman ever to win the annual ASCAP Pop Songwriter of the Year Award. An appearance in the MTV drama Carmen: A Hip Hopera quickly followed, but it was her role as Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers in Goldmember in 2002 that eventually moved Beyoncé from the stage to the screen. Her first single, "Work It Out," coincided with the release of the Mike Myers comedy and cemented her celebrity status. A guest spot on Jay-Z's "'03 Bonnie & Clyde" was equally popular when it appeared in October. In 2003, she rejoined Jay-Z for her proper debut single, the funkadelic "Crazy in Love," as the press and fans christened her a bona fide star. Beyoncé's debut album, Dangerously in Love, which appeared in June 2003, featured collaborations with Sean Paul, Missy Elliott, and OutKast's Big Boi. The multi-platinum album spawned a total of four Top Ten singles. Nearly two years after another Destiny's Child album (Destiny Fulfilled), Beyoncé released her second album, B'day. ~ MacKenzie Wilson, All Music Guide... website statistics
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